IN THIS ISSUE:
How to Get Past the First DateBy: Lori Ann Davis
"Help, my relationships don't move forward past the first few dates. I find it hard to even find someone to date."
This is a common theme with the women I talk to in my coaching practice. It can be frustrating when you are trying to date and you arenít making any progress. Your self-esteem can be hurt, which makes it harder to get out there and even try. Most singles have a desire to find a partner and create a life with someone special. In order to do that, you have to date. Todayís blog is designed to get you out there so you can find that someone special.
Let's start with some tips to help you get that first or second date.
Broaden Your Horizons You may have to look in different places in order to meet more men or to meet more eligible men. It might finally be time to consider on-line dating, join a new group, or ask your friends for introductions. If you are on-line, it might be time to overhaul your profile or start some conversations with men you might normally not talk to. If you are meeting men, on-line or in person, but no one you are interested in dating; it might be time to get to know some of these men a little better. Are you going out on dates looking for things that are wrong with the men or are you dating looking for commonalities? Sometimes it takes more than one or two dates to really get to know the other person enough to make a decision. It took me four dates before I was sure I wanted to keep dating my husband. I sure am glad I gave him a chance! Are you giving your dates enough of a chance?
Core Values & Deal Breakers Be clear on your core relationship values and deal breakers. What are the essential elements of a relationship that you must have in order to be happy? What are your deal breakers? If you have a long list, then it might be time to take a closer look. If you are unsure of what your core relationship values are, it is time to find out. Are you being realistic about your expectations? Never settle when it comes to your core values but it is ok to settle in with someone who is not perfect but could be your perfect match. If you need help in this area, read my blog entitled: Settling vs. Settling In.
Be Brave & Bold What harm is there in starting a conversation with someone or even going out on a few dates? You might find you are more interested than you even imagined, you might make a new friend, or you might meet Mr. Right. You could even meet Mr. Right while at a social event with the guy you are not sure about! The possibilities are endless so be open to them all. Just the other night at my singles meet up group, two of the members sat down next to each other and took a chance by starting up a conversation. They discovered they had so much in common and left that night very excited about the possibilities they saw in each other. If they had not been brave enough to show up to the event, if they had not been bold enough to sit next to each other and talk, they would not have met.
Don't Judge Too Quickly I find that sometimes women are too quick to judge the guy based on looks, his on-line profile, his job, etc. I know you have standards and I do not want you to lower those but I also want you to refrain from judging too quickly. There might be more to him than you can find out on that first date. The perfect man for you might just be different than you expect.
One scenario I see often is a man contacts you initially but doesn't respond back quick enough. You then decide he isn't interested. If he doesn't respond back ever, he isnít interested. But remember, men and women are different. Women multi task more often than men. In reality, he might not respond back right away because he is busy and not checking his phone or simply waiting until he is back in communication mode to respond. It has nothing to do with you; he is just being a guy. If he does respond back, give him a chance. If you notice a pattern of this behavior, then it is time to talk to him or let him go if he isn't the right one.
Now it is time to get out there, learn your core values and deal breakers, be brave and bold, meet new people, and give them a chance. Those initial quirks or differences could turn into things you love about him. Learn to distinguish what is important and what is really just a small thing. The right man for you might be sitting next to you at the next event or might be the next man you email on Match.com. You never know!
Copyright © 2017 by Lori Ann Davis and The Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.
Lori Ann Davis, MA, CRS empowers singles and couples to live richer, fuller, happier lives by helping them create unstoppable relationships. Lori is a Certified Relationship Specialist with over 25 years experience. For more information click www.lorianndavis.com
Should I give him a second chance?
I recently found out my boyfriend had cheated on me. I broke up with him but ever since then he has been trying to get back together with me. He swears it was a one time thing and will never happen again but I don't know if I can trust him? I do still love him and would love to go back to the way things were before he cheated, but I don't know if I'm making a huge mistake if I take him back. Should I give him a second chance?
Leah responds ...
What a challenging dilemma to have to face at this time, while you are in the midst of experiencing the loss of the trusting relationship you had before.
In your letter you expressed that you still love him. That's understandable --infidelity doesn't mean we can switch off feelings like a light switch. But acknowledging the love you have for him doesn't mean you have to disregard the behavior--or your reasoning process. In fact, it is times like this when it's most important to put on your thinking cap.
Would you allow me to ask some questions that may help you to access your inner wisdom about this situation?
First, it sounds like being exclusive with one another was an expectation the two of you had--would this be accurate?
Next, it seems his cheating was something you found out rather than him coming to you to admit he had this "one time thing"--would that be accurate?
Then, supposing you did truly believe him that this was a one time thing, what effect did this "one time thing" have on the relationship between you? What effect did it have on your trust? On your feelings about being his significant other? On your overall feelings about him?
Finally, being really honest with yourself about what YOU really want, do you think it is possible to fully re-enter this relationship, let go of the cheating and move forward with the relationship successfully?
The thing is, only you can determine whether this relationship will work for you, after his cheating. If fidelity is a requirement you have for your relationships, only you can decide if his cheating is a deal-breaker for you.
I support you to think carefully, and to check in with your heart about what you really feel, and to make the decision about whether to re-enter the relationship based on those things, rather than on his requests for a second chance, or your wish that you could return to the way things were.No matter what you decide, you may have strong feelings about it. If you do, I support you to get support from loved ones or from a relationship professional, and remember the wisdom Shakespeare so beautifully expressed: "to thine own self be true."
Leah Cochrane | www.leahcochrane.relationshipcoach.org/
Gina responds ...
There are times when a person does commit an honest mistake and they will make it their mission to make it up to you. However, on the flip side sometimes cheating in the early stages in a relationship can be a bright red flag for a repeated pattern for things to come. This is an important time for you to have a very candid conversation on why this cheating actually occurred. Was there clarity around the both of you being exclusive to each other? I would also ask whether this has happened to him in a previous relationship which could suggest that this is patterned behavior for him. In the event that you do decide to give it another try I would ascertain that he is truly sorry not only by his words but by his behavior. This would be a great time for you to ask him to enter into a pre-commitment coaching program so you can really see if you both are a good match regardless.
Gina Daniels | 905-873-4463
Wendy responds ...
Thanks for reaching out for support. I think you are very wise to pause and consider what step you choose to take next. I recommend that you only consider giving him another chance if he can explain how things will be different in the future and what specific steps he will take to ensure that this never happens again. If he wants to regain your trust he must show that he is trustworthy. You deserve to be in a loving relationship where you can both trust each other completely. Don't settle for anything less.
Perhaps you could benefit from individual coaching support to clarify your vision for your life and ideal relationship. If you both decide to move forward together, you may want to get the support of a couples coach to help you decide if you are truly compatible for a long-term committed partnership.
Regardless of your decision with your current boyfriend, know that you can have the loving relationship you desire with the right partner for you.
Wendy Lyon | www.DrWendyLyon.com
The opinions stated are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the staff, members, or leadership of Relationship Coaching Institute.
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