IN THIS ISSUE:
Does Attraction Have To Be Instant?By: Laura Menze
I hear it all the time. "I have to have that instant attraction!" While we all understand that attraction is, of course, extremely important when searching for your significant other and it is definitely exciting when your hormones are awakened to a lovely specimen of a human being, does it have to be instant?
Sure, it would be amazing if it happened that way and, just like fairy tales, it's possible, but rare. If you think about it, that person that you may have had an instant physical attraction to in the past was likely a terrible match for you. Did the relationship last? Did the sizzle fizzle?
We are all very visual creatures; men more so than women, however have you ever found yourself slowly becoming attracted to someone you never really considered when you first met them? I mean, you were likely less than impressed by their physical appearance when you first met but perhaps you were able to get to know them in a social setting or at work where you ran into each other frequently and a friendly relationship had the time and space to slowly develop. There was no pressure or expectation of romance or male/female roles and, having that lack of pressure or expectations allowed you to truly get to know that person and begin to become more attracted to them. You've likely done this before in your friendships and/or maybe a romantic relationship. So, why not bring this approach to your dating life? The approach I am referring to is choosing to build a friendship first to get to know someone and releasing each other from the pressures of the expectation of instant romance and/or male/female roles.
What if you meet someone who is average looking to you and you aren't really attracted however you have a great connection with them on other levels? Is it possible for you to set your own boundaries around the development of a potential relationship? Anything is possible when you become crystal clear about what you want and are able to communicate your needs and expectations to that person. This ability is also the foundation for building amazing relationships and it is even more amazing when that other person is also crystal clear about what they want and able to communicate their needs and expectations too!
While it sounds like something you may have done before or it may sound like a rather boring approach to a relationship, perhaps you need to ask yourself, "What are my goals or intentions?" Are you wanting a whirlwind romance or are you wanting an amazing, loving, stable, compassionate relationship that will last? Sure it would be great to have both, but how many amazing people have you glossed over for a whirlwind romance versus the amazing long-term relationship you are craving?
Not sure what you want? Have difficulty expressing your needs and expectations? A skilled coach can help you to uncover what is right for you. Learning and practicing these skills (and many others) up front at the beginning of a relationship can help you to avoid couples/marriage counseling or a break-up/divorce on the back end when it may be too late. Do your Lovework now, and the amazing life with the love of your life can truly be yours!
Copyright © 2017 by Laura Menze and The Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.
Relationship Coach Laura Menze, is the Chief Love Officer at Ready-Match offering a unique and authentic approach to dating and matchmaking for singles in the Denver, Colorado area. By vetting clients for their Relationship Readiness, offering a Relationship Readiness Boot Camp & Personal Coaching that ultimately teaches Self-Matching, as well as offering Tru-Match Matchmaking, and Relationship Building services for new couples, Ready-Match truly supports its clients throughout all stages of getting ready for, finding, and establishing an amazing relationship! For more information click here www.ready-match.com
Does he love me, or does he want a caretaker?
I've been a widow and living on my own for almost 15 years. I started seeing a man who is a little older than me a few months ago and I really enjoy his company but I am worried that he might be taking advantage of me. He has some health problems that are just going to get worse as he gets older and I think he might be looking for someone to take care of him. How can I tell if it's love, or if he's using me?
Leah responds ...
In response to your question, I invite you to consider the following:
After 15 years, what about this particular man made you consider entering a relationship, and particularly, one with him? What do you think your answer would be if instead, you asked, "Do I love him?"
What would happen if you knew he loved you but also expected you to be his caretaker, if needed?
You appear to be at the place where having a clear idea of your relationship requirements would help you to navigate questions like this.
Have you made your own list of what you require in a relationship, what you need and want from one?
Finally, have the two of you talked about your concerns? One of the best ways to take care of yourself, in any relationship, is to put everything on the table. What do you think would happen if you and he had this conversation? What do you think would happen if you didn't?
If you feel you need support to have this conversation, or relationship communication skills in general, a skilled relationship coach can offer you the support and mentoring you seek.
Leah Cochrane | http://www.leahcochrane.com/
Gina responds ...
I understand that you may be worried and concerned that your new partner may be interested in you taking care of him. However you mentioned that you really enjoy his company. As you are a fairly new couple, you are still in the testing phase of your relationship. Even though it is prudent that you are being discerning, it is wise to give this relationship a little more time to truly get the sense of where it is heading. It is really important to establish some boundaries on where and how you will help your partner. If you have a challenge doing that, you may need some help from a dating coach that can help you strategize out what the boundaries would be for you.
Gina Daniels | 905-873-4463
Wendy responds ...
First, congratulations on meeting someone whose company you enjoy! You ask, "Does he love me, or does he want a caretaker?" Given your concerns, here are a few questions for you to consider. Have the two of you discussed what you each are looking for at this time in your lives? Do you have aligned visions for the future? What has he said or done that leads you to think he is only interested in finding someone to take care of him? Could it be possible to love someone and want them to care for you? Have you expressed your concern about being used or taken advantage of? Are you clear about all your requirements, and do you think they could be met in a relationship with this man? And finally, does it feel like love to you and to him? I’d be delighted to hear from you after you have a conversation with him about these things. May your new year be filled with love and joy!
Wendy Lyon | http://www.DrWendyLyon.com
The opinions stated are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the staff, members, or leadership of Relationship Coaching Institute.
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