IN THIS ISSUE:
Your Relationship Checklist Might Need a Heart!By: Laura Menze
You have a checklist of the things you want in a relationship/partner. That's great! It's good to know what you are looking for but are you clear about each item? Is there an energy of love behind that checklist or just a “Judge Judy” sort of courtroom experience for your potential mates out there?
When working with clients, we get very clear about what they are looking for in a relationship/partner. Part of that includes carving out your REQUIREMENTS, NEEDS, & WANTS where the client writes down their own personal definition for each. This is important because if you simply write down a NEED such as, “Financially Responsible,” will you remember what you meant when you wrote it? Writing down your definition will help you to be crystal clear about what you are needing and make it easier for you to sort through potential mates quickly.
What is the difference between REQUIREMENTS, NEEDS, & WANTS?
REQUIREMENTS are things that are black & white. Things like “Either they are Jewish or they’re not,” “Either they do drugs, or they don’t,” “Either they love children or they don’t.” A potential mate either is or isn’t something on your list of REQUIREMENTS and they must meet ALL of your requirements. When they don’t meet even just one of them, you will end up with an unsolvable problem in your relationship. For instance: You are Jewish and very much practice Judaism so, “Must be Jewish” may be on your list of REQUIREMENTS. You meet someone who seems to tick all of the boxes for you except they are not Jewish. You get married, you have children, and you expect your children to be raised Jewish while your mate is not sure or not in agreement. This can be a very unsolvable problem in your relationship that could have been avoided up front if you had ensured that they met that requirement.
NEEDS are things that are equally important to REQUIREMENTS. The only difference is that they are not black & white. You have flexibility around the things you NEED. For instance: You are neat and tidy and NEED someone who is also neat and tidy however, it may be acceptable for you if that person is a little more or a little less neat and tidy than you. NEEDS must be met however, they are negotiable in the way they might be met.
WANTS are the icing on the cake. WANTS are not required nor needed however, they sure would be nice! For instance: It would be nice if she were hot or if he were handy around the house!
Where’s that energy of love?
Now, let’s talk about putting that checklist into action! When you are out on a date, are you going down your checklist and dismissing the person when you think or assume that they don’t meet the things on that checklist? This is where the energy of love needs to kick out the Judge Judy in you. It is important for you to come from a space of love and curiosity about this mysterious person across from you rather than judging or grilling them on a first date. Get curious about what/who they are looking for and why those things are important to them. Ask questions that allow them to tell you who they are rather than asking questions about whether or not they meet some sort of criteria on a checklist. After all, this is a human being across from you, not a cereal box!
Copyright © 2017 by Laura Menze and The Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.
Laura Menze, is the Chief Love Officer at Ready-Match offering a unique and authentic approach to dating and matchmaking for singles in the Denver, Colorado area. By vetting clients for their Relationship Readiness, offering a Relationship Readiness Boot Camp & Personal Coaching that ultimately teaches Self-Matching, as well as offering Tru-Match Matchmaking, and Relationship Building services for new couples, Ready-Match truly supports its clients throughout all stages of getting ready for, finding, and establishing an amazing relationship! For more information click here www.ready-match.com
What do I do with this attraction?
There is this lady I am attracted to. I asked her out a couple of times and went on dates a few times. She said she likes me and would have kept dating me were it not for her religion (Jehovah Witness), her mom (who wants her to be with Jehovah Witness) and the fact that she currently sees someone else. She still insists we remain friends. I want more and so even being her friend would be hard as I would keep trying to make a move. What do I do? Do nothing and see if she magically comes back? Move on? Help!
Dr. Wendy responds ...
Thanks for reaching out for help. I'm sure there are plenty of readers who are familiar with this situation – you are really attracted to someone and she or he just wants to be friends. Could you be comfortable as friends…without a secret agenda for romance? And could you be fully available to date someone else if you are secretly dreaming of your “friend”? Perhaps you could look for someone who is available to date you without changing her religion, risking her mother's disapproval and breaking up with her boyfriend. This woman has given you not one, not two but three reasons why she doesn’t want to date you. Why don't you take the time to decide what you are really looking for at this point in your life, and don't settle for less.
Dr. Wendy Lyon | www.drwendylyon.com
Janet responds ...
Thanks for reaching out and asking this question. It's one that many often get hung up on. I call it the wishing, waiting and hoping hole that we can get caught in. I invite you to ask yourself a couple of questions.
1. What do I want my love life to look like in 6 months?
2. Does this relationship move me closer to, or further from, my relationship goal/vision?
I believe the answers will give you the clarity you are seeking. I wish you all the best!
Janet Tingwald | www.realitybasedromance.com
The opinions stated are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the staff, members, or leadership of Relationship Coaching Institute.
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
By David Steele
for innovative relationship information, tools and strategies for singles
|Darlene Steele | Editor, Conscious Dating Singles News | CONTACT DARLENE
Copyright © 2017 by Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved.
Feel free to share this with others as long as our contact information and authorship is included.