February 2017 | |
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IN THIS ISSUE:
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FEATURED Article
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Copyright © 2016 by Kim Morse and the Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.
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Ask Our Coaches
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My husband is turning into his father. What can I do?Dear Coaches,My husband's father is a very difficult man. He's angry and bitter about his life and takes it out on everyone around him. My husband has always had an optimistic view on life and a positive outlook, but lately I notice that he has become very much like his father. He started out complaining (ranting) about politics and current events after watching the news. Then he started criticizing and complaining about our friends and our children. Now he seems to be angry with most of the world. I've tried talking to him about this but then he gets angry with me. Now I try to stay away from him as much as possible just because I don't want to hear his constant complaints. What can I do to get my "happy" husband back? ![]() Lynn responds ...It sounds like this is a very challenging time for you as you perhaps see a side of your husband that you hadn't seen before. Often when people feel helpless they lash out in anger. We are experiencing a lot of upsetting events in the world, and we can be quite triggered into disbelief, helplessness and, yes, anger, at the way things are going. Who's most likely to bear the brunt of this, albeit unfairly Unfortunately, it's often your family and friends. Your husband has seen anger and lashing out modeled by his father so it's not too surprising that when under stress this is the direction he’s moving. Let's talk more about how compassion might be more helpful than labeling. You describe your father-in-law as a "difficult man". How might things shift if you saw him as a man in pain whose behavior makes him difficult to be around? This doesn't excuse his behavior but happy people don't feel bitter about their lives or take it out on others. You said that your husband is becoming much like his father. I wonder if it might be helpful to observe that he is using some of the [painful and ineffective] coping skills that you see in his dad rather than believe that he is turning into him. That doesn’t leave much room for growth or hope. What is underneath the shift in your husband from optimistic to angry and critical? You say you've tried to talk to him but that didn't work. Perhaps he would be open to speaking to a coach either individually or as a couple so he can navigate his triggers without taking it out on others. You say you want your "happy" husband back. We can't be happy or "up" all the time. Perhaps if your husband spoke with a professional he could get some help in allowing his emotions and learn skills to process them in healthy ways. And what do you need? It sounds like you're avoiding him and walking on eggshells. The two of you might benefit from working with a coach so you can have a safe home where you can relax and there is harmony. I wish you well. Lynn Goodacre | http://www.lovecoachlynn.com ![]() Kim responds ...I can certainly hear your distress over your husband's apparent changes. This must feel very scary for you. So many people have been experiencing stress during this challenging political time. It can be very easy when watching the news to get caught up in current events. While being informed may be good, being inundated could also be cause for agitation. It sounds as if he has become very discouraged and possibly allowed it to bring down his entire view of the world. Trying to talk to him about how he is acting may not be the best approach right now, especially if you are challenging his thinking. It certainly has not been working. In every relationship there is usually a talker and a thinker and many times the thinker just simply does not want to talk about what is bothering them. You stated that you are "staying away from him". Is it possible that he may really need you at this time but does not know how to talk about it or even know how he needs your support? Each person deals with stress in a very different way and he may need you in a much different way than you would need him if the situation were reversed. How you can show him support without questioning him about his negativity? You are expressing concern that he will become like his father even though your husband has always been positive in the past. When you think that your husband is turning into his father, how do you react to your husband? Is it possible this fear can also be driving you away from him? I would encourage you not to jump to a conclusion and compare your husband to his father, but to try and see him for who he is and have compassion for what has apparently drove this "happy" man to feel so negative. Finding the strength to stay positive yourself and turning toward your husband instead of away could be the key to bringing him back to his old self again. Kim Morse | http://www.sailinghappilyeverafter.com The opinions stated are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the staff, members, or leadership of Relationship Coaching Institute. This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches. |
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