IN THIS ISSUE:

• Featured Article
  10 Ways to Create a Real Shift in Your Dating Life in 2016
• Ask Our Coaches
  Looking for love... where can I find it?

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FEATURED Article

10 Ways to Create a Real Shift in Your Dating Life in 2016

Even though we're in April already there is still time to really make 2016 your best year yet, wherever you are on your dating journey! Don't give up on those New Year's resolutions. If they've slipped down the list a little, dust them off and have a look at these 10 ways to create a real shift in your dating life.

1. Trust your gut. Deep down you know when something or somebody is not right for you, but we can be so good at overriding that feeling or rationalising and explaining things away. Make a decision to tune in and really listen to yourself. If you have doubts, they are there for a reason. Pay attention to the red flags – they don’t magically disappear if you ignore them.
2. Stay available for the right person to find you. Stop wasting time on the wrong people and getting stuck in dead-end relationships. If it's not right for you, find the strength to walk away.
3. If you really want to be in a committed relationship be upfront about it. Don't get stuck with somebody who doesn't want the same - especially if they tell you that from the beginning. Believe them the first time and don't stick around to try and change their mind by trying harder or doing more. Move on. There are plenty of really great people out there looking for what you want too.
4. Date when you're ready, not because you're lonely. Just being single doesn't automatically mean you're actually ready to be in a relationship. If there are things in your life that may sabotage a future relationship, get them sorted out. You know what they are. Wouldn't it be a tragedy if you meet the perfect person for you, but you're just not ready to be with them because of other complications in your life?
5. Think beyond chemistry. We are sexually compatible with many more people than we are relationship compatible with - and naturally we want that spark from the beginning. The flipside is that we can get so caught up in the spark that pretty much everything else that is important to us can go out the window. Slow down. Take your time. It's worth it.
6. Take the time to get really clear on what you want. Write it all down! I don't mean just a long list of criteria - but be crystal clear about what you want, what you need and what you absolutely won't negotiate on. Be clear about the type of relationship you want to create and especially what you're bringing to the partnership.
7. Revamp your profile (and your pictures!). If you're online dating or using a matchmaking service, now is the time to take a really good look at your profile and make sure it still works for you. Check that it's all in line with where you are in your life today so you can attract somebody who is truly aligned with your lifestyle and goals.
8. Create time and space for someone to come into your life; in your head, your heart, your home and anywhere else you need. Cut what you need to cut - whether it's carbs, Netflix or any other type of drama that may be sucking the life out of you., especially the toxic ex , lingering and hindering you from moving on. It's time for a clean slate in every way. You can do it. And if you need help to take the next step, get the help you need.
9. Be the person you want to meet. Pay attention to who you are BEING in every area of your life. If there is a huge gap between what you say you want (i.e. love, connection, partnership), but the kind of person you are showing up as is different (ie. ambivalent, superficial or overcritical), there will be a real disconnect and you will most likely attract people who are ambivalent and superficial themselves.
10. Be willing to take a good look at yourself. You absolutely can have the amazing relationship you want - if you're willing to do the work. There comes a time when you realise that all the (superficial) dating advice and tips, websites, apps, events and parties are not going to help you unless you work out the real reason why things haven’t happened for you yet.

The good news is that you don't have to do any of this alone. There are some really great people out there that can help you figure things out. I am on one of them and I would love to help you on your journey. Once you've made the inner shifts you need to make, your approach to dating will be from a place of confidence and strength and you will be amazed at what can happen in your life! Wishing you love and happiness,

Copyright © 2016 by Ane Auret and The Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.

Ane Auret, s a Dating and Relationship Coach who works with women looking to be in a committed relationship but feel that they either don't know where to start to date again, or that they have tried everything they know how and still end up on one-off dates and dead-end relationships. Through her "Conscious Dating: Ready for Love" Programme, she helps her clients prepare and navigate the dating scene with confidence and ease, supporting them in setting themselves up for success through consciously choosing the right person for them. Find out more at www.datingcoach.uk

Ask Our Coaches

Looking for love... where can I find it?

Dear Coaches,

I just got out of college and I am ready for a real relationship. While I was in college, my friends and I always went to bars and nightclubs looking for "Mr. Right". Guess what... we never found him! I found lots of guys that wanted to spend one night with me, but weren't really looking for a relationship. Where can I go to meet guys that are looking for long term ?

Lynn responds ...

I imagine, given that you have attended college, you see the value in education! How might it serve you to learn more about who you are and what you want before you focus on meeting a man?

I often see singles who lack clarity and think that chemistry and/or a shared interest in a long-term relationship is all that is required. There is much, much more! Investing some time in getting clear on your vision for love will really pay off.

Have you ever considered what your life purpose might be? Have you given any thoughts to the values you hold dear? Do you see kids in your future? Are you a city gal or someone who wants to live in the country? Are you looking for marriage down the road? When you have a clear understanding of your requirements, needs and wants you'll be able to screen dates more effectively and have a much better chance of finding a partner who is a good fit. Once you are clear about who you are and what you want you will be able to choose venues with men who share your interests, values and long-term aspirations. Good luck!

Lynn Goodacre | www.lovecoachlynn.com

Leah responds ...

Do you remember that song that goes "looking for love in all the wrong places"? When you've outgrown the desire to party and are looking for love, then clubs don't work -- because they are full of people who want to party.

What do you do instead? First, ask yourself a serious question: who are you looking for? What kind of a person do you want to meet? What kind of person would be a winner for you? Not just the "tall, dark and handsome" kind of qualities, but the inner qualities that are most meaningful to you. For example, do you require someone with the same values as you? The same hobbies? Likes kids? Has a job? What are your requirements for a partner you could truly love?

Once you have an idea of what's important, even vital, for you in a relationship, you can then ask, Where would I find such a person? Once you know who you are looking for, where to find them becomes much easier.

Finding is only part of the equation, though, isn't it? Because once you find a potential person, you still have to meet them, establish whether there is a mutual attraction, and so on.

So, go ahead, ask, Where can I find someone? but also ask the next question, "Will the type of person I'm interested in be interested in me as well?"

For some, the answers to these questions come easily. For many others, these answers require some work. The good news is a Relationship Coach is experienced in helping you focus on the right questions to ask and to find answers that are uniquely yours so that you can be successful in your quest to find love with one who is perfect for you.

Leah Cochrane | www.leahcochrane.com

Ellen responds ...

Most probably the only man you'll find at a bar or a nightclub is 'Mr Lucky', not 'Mr. Right'. Think about who you are, what your interests and values are. Create a list of your ideal partner and your ideal relationship. Also, ask yourself are you the partner you want to have. If you're not, then this is a great time to work on yourself.

Being the partner you want to have, is an important step. Once you are clear on all of this, then search for organizations and meetup.com groups that you would want to join - that you are passionate about - or that would just be fun to join. Go knowing this is right for you - that you would enjoy it. In other words, don't go just to meet 'Mr. Right'.

Have you considered an on-line profile on a dating site? There are so many to choose from and there are one's that can be quite specific. For example, there are dating sites for vegans, for writers, for people in the entertainment industry, and so forth. I understand that some people are scared of taking advantage of a dating site; however, I find it actually safer than meeting someone in a bar. You get to know each other with distance between you and you call the shots -where you finally meet and so forth. Suggestion - please follow the rules of the site in order to assure safety.

To review: Be clear, Be specific, Do what you are passionate about or enjoy. Get out there being your best self and he will show.

Ellen Champion | www.ChampionRelationshipCoaching.com

Wendy responds ...

Congratulations for realizing that Mr. Right is probably not waiting for you in a bar or night club. Yes, as you discovered, it's easy to find guys who want to spend the night with you in places like that, but if you are looking for lasting love, it's time to look elsewhere! So where can you go to find guys who are looking for a real long term relationship?

The secret is to discover your own values and passions and find venues that interest you (preferably where drinking and drugs are not involved). Perhaps you enjoy volunteering, hiking, bike riding, dancing, singing or spirituality. Find out what groups are meeting near you – local organizations, clubs, churches or meet-ups. Get involved! And while you are out there meeting and mingling, you want to be very discerning about who you date. Make sure you clarify what's essential for you in a relationship and don’t settle for less. If a guy you like isn't interested in a real relationship, don't waste your time with him.

You may also want to create a very clear online profile and screen out those who aren't good matches for you. You deserve to find someone who is ready for a relationship and is right for you! This can all be very challenging to do on your own, so you may want to seek the support of an expert to guide you on your path. May you discover true love soon!

Wendy Lyon | http://www.DrWendyLyon.com

Kemi responds ...

Have you identified your needs based on where you are and where you need to be (for long-term purposes)? Do you know what you are looking for in a partner? Long-term relationships are great but it is vital you first identify your needs, have your standards set and know what your values are.

Reality is you can meet anyone anywhere. Knowing your needs however help you better channel your networking engagements towards where you can meet someone who will match your defined/identified needs. Hope this helps.

Kemi Sogunle | www.kemisogunle.com

The opinions stated are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the staff, members, or leadership of Relationship Coaching Institute.

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

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