October 2015
Conscious Dating Singles News - September 2015




By Barbara A. Williams

Choose you this day what you will do. Will you continue doing what youíve been doing to keep getting the same thing, or will you make a different CHOICE?

Choice implies the opportunity to choose, pick, decide, or select; it implies option, preference, or another alternative.

What's your choice? To say that you have no choice is to say you are forced to do what you do. Are you? Then you do have a choice. The fact that you can say that you donít have a choice, proves you do; because you can do absolutely nothing, which is still a choice.

What is it that causes a person to choose one thing over another; one outcome, situation, environment, or relationship over another? As you ponder over this, let's look at some possibilities. Consider what causes you to do what you do, or to continue to do what you've always done, even when it no longer works. It's serving you in some way, but we're just putting it out there for thought and consideration. People do things (or not) because of:

  • Preference-likes versus dislikes, personal tastes
  • Surroundings-neighborhood, community, society
  • Influence-family, upbringing, friends, peers
  • Curiosity-possibilities of what if's and I wonder's, and who knows
  • Ignorance-lack of knowledge or information, no awareness
  • Low self-esteem
  • Low self-worth or value
  • Lacks commitment
  • And others not mentioned that you may think of

Though these may cause you to choose one something over another, the choice is still yours to make; or not. There is no one else to blame for the choices you make or have made. You might use any of the above as reasons or excuses, but the choice you make is still your own. As a very young child, you may not always have that choice to make, but as a responsible adult, you do in some way or another have a choice.

You may not always have control over what happens to you, but you always have a choice as to how you respond to what happens to you. A few examples of times when you do have control over what happens to you might include:

  • Sowing and reaping. It may not bother you to talk about someone, but the minute you hear someone has said something about you, you're offended or disturbed in some way. It must come back because it's a seed you planted.
  • Or you finally break up with someone after hanging onto them just so you're not alone, until someone else comes along. But when it happens to you, you're heartbroken and canít seem to understand what went wrong.
  • You had no control what-so-ever over being born, or who you were born to, for that matter. No choice in there. You probably didn't have much choice over where you were born (unless there was a medical problem with the pregnancy that caused your parents to be in a particular place for care) or the events that took place while you were growing up; but now that you are all grown up, you can choose how you allow that to affect you and to what extent it affects you in your relationships, just by working on and through those things.

So the next time something doesn't go the way you wish it had, ask yourself, could I have chosen a different outcome; a different path; a different relationship, etc.? You know, hindsight is everything, isn't it? But these are lessons for you to learn, if you will. Next time think about how you would like things to be and act in such a way as to cause that end result. See what happens. It is your choice.

Copyright © 2015 by Barbara A. Williams. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission. Barbara A. Williams

Barbara A. Williams, is a relationship strategist, specializing in working with singles to help them prepare for lasting love, and supporting couples to create the love they want in their lives by embracing the individuals they truly are and want to be. Connect with Barbara at www.barbaraannwilliams.com

Ask Our Coaches

Did I miss my chance with him?

Dear Coaches,

I really like this guy a lot. We would flirt and talk all the time. I felt like we were finally in the place where I could ask him on an official date. The night I was going to ask him, we were out with friends. He started flirting with one of my friends. This really crushed me. I didn't know what to do and said nothing. Now I am regretting it.

My friend told me that they have been talking to each other a lot and she is starting to like him. I really thought he liked me, back.

Should I tell my friend that I was about to ask him on a date? Do I tell him?

- Julie from Kansas City

Jean Feldeisen

Jean responds ...

While I hear your disappointment, don't assume all is lost. It seems like early times in this relationship. Why not tell your friend your feelings and then ask the guy for a date. Then everyone will be clear about your role.

You can't fault either the man or your friend since you hadn't yet declared your interest. Thinking about it doesn't count. So, make up for lost time and move boldly forward. You still need to discern if this guy flirts with everybody or if he's interested in dating you. You'll never know unless you ask.

Jean Feldeisen | www.jeanfeldeisen.com

Barbara A. Williams

Barbara responds ...

What would you hope to gain from telling your friend, or the guy for that matter, that you were going to ask him out on a date?

Flirting is another word for "very friendly". It doesn't necessarily mean anything, unless it does for you. If you said he would flirt with you, but then you witnessed him flirting with one of your friends, sounds like he's a flirter; or very friendly.

If it meant something to you and neither of you shared it, that moment is now gone. No one knew how you felt, but you now know how your friend feels. How does that sit with you?

If this were the other way around, what would you want her to do with her feelings; tell you what she was about to do? Just a thought!

If he continues to flirt with you, you might want to clarify what you think is happening; but for sure, the flirting should end on your part just because of the information you now have.

Barbara A. Williams | www.barbaraannwilliams.com

Barbara A. Williams

Leah responds ...

It is difficult to cope with disappointment. Most of us would rather skip the experience altogether, right? Perhaps, though, there is more to be gained from an experience than disappointment or regret.

What if you did tell your friend you were hoping to ask this guy out. Be as honest with yourself as you can when you imagine the scenario. Would telling your friend change anything about how you felt about the situation or the guy? What do you make of the fact that he was" flirting and talking" with the both of you at the same time?

Do you think you might have had any unspoken expectations? Did you assume what was going on meant the same thing to him as it did to you?

Given what you know now, are your hopes and desires the same now as they were before you had the conversation with your friend?

You were having fun, flirting, talking, getting attention from someone you were attracted to - what's not to like about that?

But how much had you learned about him? Did he meet your requirements for a person you'd like in your life? Do you know what your requirements are? Did you two share the same values and expectations about building a new relationship?

It is important to ask yourself questions like these because sometimes the regret comes from the loss of what you hoped it could have been, rather than the loss of what it actually was.

Leah Cochrane | www.leahcochrane.com

Kemi Sogunle

Kemi responds ...

Have you tried to talk to him (expressing how you feel about him)? Do you think he understands your flirting code?

Men and women are wired differently. Due to the difference in the way men and women interpret messages, you may need to let him know how you feel.

Talk to him and get a feedback (feel) from him before asking him on a date so to ensure you are both on the same page. Do not rush, but learn to be friends with him first. Being friends allows you to get a good understanding of who he is and determine if he will be a good fit for you.

Kemi Sogunle | www.kemisogunle.com

The opinions stated are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the staff, members, or leadership of Relationship Coaching Institute.

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here www.relationshipcoach.org/ask-the-coach and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.


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