Featured Article
Are You Ready for a Radical Marriage?
By David and Darlene Steele
Excerpted from the forthcoming book Radical Marriage:Your Relationship as Your Greatest Adventure (release date 10/15/14)
Commitment is the glue that makes marriage work, and if you want a Radical Marriage, nothing less than Radical Commitment will do. Here are our Five Promises of Radical Commitment to raise the bar and bring your marriage to the next level:
1. I Promise to Love You Every Day
I know that love is a choice and I choose to love you always. Though I can get busy and have my moods, you deserve my love and attention each and every day. I choose to love you even when I'm upset or frustrated. I know that loving you means being fully present, telling you my truth, being honest and transparent with my thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs so you know fully who I am. I strive to appreciate and treasure you each day that I'm blessed to have you in my life.
2. I Promise to Choose You First
You are the most important person in my life and I commit to not taking you or our relationship for granted, each and every day. Though work, home, finances, family, friends, hobbies, and other stresses and distractions can make this challenging, I choose you first, always.
3. I Promise to Take Responsibility
I understand that my outcomes are 100% dependent upon my own choices and actions, and that my thoughts and feelings are my own. I know that our relationship is a mirror reflecting myself back to me, and that my desire to be happy and feel loved by you depends upon my own ability to allow myself to be happy and to receive your love.
4. I Promise to Say "Yes!"
You deserve my positive response even when I don't feel like it. Your needs and wants are a gift to my growth and well-being and the key to a great life together. I am committed to your happiness as much as my own. If I'm unable to grant 100% of your desire or request I will respond positively and work with you to find a creative way to meet your underlying need. You can feel safe with me as one who loves you and will respect and honor your needs, always.
5. I Promise to Be Your Hero
When life is challenging (and even when it's not) you deserve a champion; someone who will be there for you, love and support you unconditionally, no matter what. I commit to being your hero and helping you feel emotionally and physically safe and secure. I believe in you and I believe in us.
Are You Ready for a Radical Marriage?
Does Radical Commitment seem challenging? It is!
Radical Commitment is a choice to be there for your partner 100% without holding anything back. These five promises are a stretch. They require effort. They are not easy or automatic. Radical Marriage is about making intentional choices that maximize your fulfillment as a couple and allowing you to live beyond happily ever after.
If you resonate with these five promises and wish to give your partner the gift of Radical Commitment, download and print out our Five Promises of Radical Commitment certificate here
Radical Marriage Book Release October 15th!
Watch your email inbox for the official release announcement. For more information, see below and visit www.RadicalMarriage.com |
Copyright © 2014 by David and Darlene Steele and The Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.
 David Steele, MA, LMFT, CLC, is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute, the first and largest international relationship coach training organization. David is a pioneer in the field of relationship coaching for singles and couples, author of numerous books, including the ground-breaking book for singles Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of your Life and the Life That You Love.
Darlene Steele, R.N. is Director of Training and Member Support for Relationship Coaching Institute. Darlene draws upon more than 30 years of marital experience and a practical approach to marriage and relationships to bring a unique perspective that complements David's for a powerful personal and professional team exploring and sharing insights and strategies for creating a Radical Marriage.
Together, Darlene and David are examples of ordinary, down to earth people living an extraordinary life through their relationship, passionate about each other and sharing the mission and message of Radical Marriage with other couples who want to "live beyond happily ever after." |
Bonus Article
A Love 30+ Years in the Making
By Terri Hase
I met a boy in Junior High, a sweet and wonderful boy. He liked me. I didn't feel all that interested, until he moved away, and I realized I really missed him. We stayed in touch, I liked him more, he still liked me. The next 30 years saw us date, not date, be married to other people, divorce, date, break-up, wander aimlessly, and suffer the hardship of a love that 'almost was', all due to my own crippling fear.
You see, I was afraid of who I was 'in love'. Sounds a little crazy, right?
I mean, how can anyone fear being 'in love'?? Well, it's kind like this...my parents were very antagonistic to one another. I made up my mind, WAY early on, I wasn't ever going to be too vulnerable with a partner. No way was I ever going to let someone really hurt me like I watched my parents hurting one another. I would never let myself get 'that' our of control. (I supposed you can see how well this might work – yikes)
Well, this boy, who grew to be an amazing man, made me weak in my knees every time I was near him. There was friendship, sure. Deep friendship. There was physical attraction, sure. I mean, he's hot. But, every time I got close emotionally, I'd freak out and run away because I felt so soft, mushy, and exposed. Things might have gone on like this forever, or until he wrote me off, but they didn't.
His heart never wrote me off. Now, this doesn't mean there weren't some detours and other loves, but neither of us ever 'got over' loving one another. One day, things finally clicked for me, FINALLY. I finally got how vulnerability was essential for whole and complete love, and how in the hands of someone who loves you wholly and completely, it's safe and secure. This doesn't mean there might not be some bumps along the way, but there will never be anything manipulative or malicious, of this I am sure. My waking up to the need for exposing my soft underbelly, and the years of delay it produced, was a BIG mental shift.
It's because of my own experience in this that I stress to individuals, and couples, how damaging it is to withhold pieces of themselves from their partners. It's also why partners have to understand the real trust and vulnerability their mates are placing in their tender care. It's through this exchange of mutual vulnerability and trust that the foundation for the 'We', or 'Us' partnership is built on. I mean who wants to partner with anyone when there is a clear sense that the other party doesn't trust you with their 'everything', or that your 'everything' might just not be safe with them. This wouldn't be good in business, or love relationships!
The moral of this story is, sometimes even the very slow to learn can win big. I'll be celebrating my 4th wedding anniversary to this amazing man in just a few weeks. Though, we both know we've 'been together', at least in the depths of our hearts, since 1978.
It took me 30 years to 'get it' – well beyond what might be considered reasonable. Far outside of, 'normal'. But, I got there. I got there and it's been AMAZING, the best years of my life. It's hard to believe that I finally changed my mind, changed my belief about being guarded. I really was so sure it was the best way to protect myself. All it did was disconnect me. Oh, and honest, I'm really not normally all that emotionally dim and resistant! That said, this part of my life was stuck as if I were no wiser than that little Junior High School girl.
So, I encourage you, if you think you might be holding back, or your partner might make you hesitant to really let them in, make THIS a top priority for you and your relationship. Embrace vulnerability, develop and nurture trust. Do it now. Don't take another few years before you make it a priority.
Oh, and on 10/10/14, celebrate with me. You can offer a toast to slow-boat loves that finally pay off, and the lovers who get to enjoy them. Offer a toast to trust, and to vulnerability. My wish is you find both for yourself, and within yourself, and have the love you desire!
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My wife and I disagree on the kids sleeping in our bed. What do I do?
 Dear Coaches,
My wife and I have two amazing kids, ages 2 and 5. What isn't amazing is our sex life. My wife lets our kids sleep in our bed. I have tried to get the kids to sleep in their beds, but my wife gives in very easily when they cry and want to sleep with us. My wife also thinks I am being insensitive. I love my wife and would like to have that intimacy we used to have, before the kids were sleeping in our bed. What do I do?
Michelle responds ...
Have a heartfelt conversation with your wife and set up time to talk when you will have no distractions and tell her how you feel. She is probably just as frustrated and wants to resolve this too. Have you asked her how she wants to handle this going forward?
You and your wife have to be on the same page and work on this together. You need time to connect with each other without the kids.
Do your kids have a nightly routine that they follow where they:
- Bathe at night?
- Have a certain bedtime?
- Have time to decompress in their rooms before they go to sleep?
Kids crave routine and the more structure they have the easier it will be for everyone in the home. In the beginning it will be tough but patience will be key.
What about having a reward system for the kids for sleeping in their own beds - something they enjoy doing. Come up with some fun ideas you can do as a family like an indoor camping night where you sleep in tents one night?
Talk to your wife, be creative and remember together you can figure this out!
Michelle Bianco | www.coachmichellebianco.com
Barbara responds ...
When couples don't have children, they work hard at getting them; and when they get them, most of their time goes to them instead of one another.
This is very common, as women tend to be the nurturers and often are the main care takers of the young ones. They tend to spend much of their time with them and put all their energy into caring for them, and the partner gets put further and further on the back burner. Maybe after all the time and attention your wife gives to caring for the little ones, she doesn't have much energy left for the two of you.
Do you share or help with any of the evening responsibilities that may help and support her in reciprocating later? Have you tried getting the children settled after dinner by giving them a bath and reading them a bedtime story while preparing them for sleep?
Spending time with them may give your wife time to herself, and even time to prepare for you later. Then maybe the two of you can do the dishes together, which may very well lead to intimacy.
Like you, she may just need a little support. Hope that helps.
Barbara Ann Williams | www.barbaraannwilliams.com
Denise responds ...
There is research that supports the "family bed." This growing development, recommended by educator and philosopher Rudolph Steiner and original Attachment theorist, Dr John Bowlby suggests that children, who share a family bed with their parents from birth, attach and detach more securely, are better able to handle separation and loss, experience healthier family bonds, and may experience healthier committed relationships in adulthood.
If this is your wife's belief or strong maternal desire and it gives her peace of mind, you may suggest that you both research this theory together. If you both agree there is some benefit to the children, then you may can make it fun.
Perhaps Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays is Family Night. Watch a movie, get a pizza, and climb into bed together with a book until you fall asleep. Then on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays is Parents Night. Sit down and gently explain this to the children so they know what to expect ahead of time and they learn that they are part of the process.
Your wife fulfills her maternal need to be with the children, the children look forward to their special nights of bonding, and you get intimacy with your wife.
Denise Wade Ph.D. | www.sweetharmony.net
Randy responds ...
Sex is obviously very important to you, and is usually very important to a relationship. Kids can easily interfere, but the couple must figure out how to work around this for the long term success of the marriage. You should also talk to your wife to ascertain if there are some other reasons that she has lost interest in sex. Coaching or counseling may often be necessary because the underlying causes may not be easy to discuss yourselves. In any case, this problem should be actively addressed so it does not fester and ruin the relationship.
Randy Hurlburt | www.PartnersinLoveandCrime.com
The opinions stated are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the staff, members, or leadership of Relationship Coaching Institute.
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here www.relationshipcoach.org/ask-the-coach and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
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Announcements
Radical Marriage Book Coming October 15, 2014!
Ordinary or exciting? What kind of relationship do YOU want?
Radical Marriage requires a willingness to take risks, overcome resistance and experience a bit of fear, which can induce stress and anxiety when you're more wired for comfort and security. It requires inviting and embracing evolution and change, which is against the grain for those who crave routine. Radical Marriage requires requires growth, effort, and learning; while strongly desired by some, others would rather watch TV, drink beer, and fall asleep on the couch.
Radical Marriage is for couples who strongly believe that they are together for a reason, which is to experience life to the fullest through their relationship.
Are You Ready for a Radical Marriage?
Join the Radical Marriage Movement!
“Radical Marriage provides clear ideas, easy strategies to follow, and a ‘radical’ new paradigm for creating the relationship of your dreams.”
— Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. Co-authors of Making Marriage Simple
“Radical Marriage is an accessible and clear description of the steps for relationship success with many easy-to-follow strategies for making life and love better.”
– Don Ferguson, Ph.D. author of Reptiles in Love and The Couples' Manual
 “Radical Marriage is for couples in good marriages who envision something wonderful for their future together. The Steeles have given us a manifesto and road map for marriage as a more perfect union.”
–William J. Doherty, Ph.D., Professor of Family Social Science, University of Minnesota, author of Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart
“Is your marriage where you want it to be? This book will challenge you to take it to the next level, beyond where you ever thought it could be. Your marriage can be more – wonderfully more, extraordinarily more, radically more!”
— Greg and Priscilla Hunt, BetterMarriages.org
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Terri Hase MMC, is the founder of The Better YOU Project and has been a Professional Coach Since 2004. Her passion to help every individual build and discover their 'Better YOU' drives her every client interaction. It's through this that she helps couples be the best versions of themselves, and reap the rewards in the relationship and beyond.
Want to help people with their relationships and have a career you love?