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Do you find yourself doing the same-old - whether be it sex position, technique or order in which you do them - during sex? Have you found your mind wandering in the midst of sex because it is simply not as exciting as before? Would you admit that you are bored during sex with your partner, and not actually with sex?
If you said yes to any of the above, read on!
1. Own it. When I say "it", I mean your sex life! You are the other 50% of the relationship. You possess more control and influence in every aspect of your life than you could possibly realise. Claim back the power that is yours! Rather than continue to complain, wonder or wait for things to improve in the bedroom, know that the fastest way for change to happen is to do something about it. Own your part in the issue in making things better!
2. Dream. What would you like changed exactly? What are you not happy with? If you are not unhappy – just plain bored, in what ways is it so for you? What would make things better? Alright... now let's not settle for just better. How about the best sex in your life? What would make sex mind-blowing? Yeah... now we're onto something!
3. Look up. There's a saying, "We don't know what we don't know". Did you find yourself stuck at the above suggestion of fantasizing about your ideal sex life because it's been so long you've done anything fun in the bedroom that it feels like a twilight zone to you? Be curious about possibilities. Where might you search for inspiration? No idea is a bad idea right now. Just explore around, for instance on the internet.
4. Quit comparing. While you are conducting your research about sexual possibilities, I like to remind you that it is often easy to start comparing your sex life with the lives of others. Without being in their bedroom, there is no way we can tell with certainty that theirs is more satisfying than yours. Rather than get caught up with all that, bring your focus back to you and what you would like to do. You can’t go wrong there. Sex between consenting adults is all about having fun!
5. File away your ideas. A strange thing happens when we begin to be open to possibilities; they show up in the oddest of places. It might be in the supermarket where you will find props that you could use for sensory deprivation or sensuous delights. Don't rush and buy a whole bunch of things but file your finds away as ideas to be retrieved later on.
6. Pleasure + Joy = Ecstasy. Sex is not just about pleasure and feeling good - thought that is often the point. When you allow your inner child to emerge it becomes unadulterated fun, joyful and delightful. This is when ecstatic experiences are to be had.
7. Reclaim your joy. We all have roles and take on responsibilities. We also express our love, care and affection to those around us. We work, we sleep, we repeat it all over again - day in and out. Do you take care of yourself the same way you regard the most precious person in your life? If not, you may have the order wrong. Until you know how to take extreme self-care and express ultimate self-love, your joy may have been missing for some time. Fill yourself up, and let your inner child come out and play sometimes, and ecstatic experiences - including in the bedroom, will not be faraway.
8. Talk it out. After all this time, you don't think I'd let you go by not talking to your partner about the lack of sizzle in the bedroom? You've done your inner reflection, sought inspiration, developed some ideas of your own, and also begun to recognize some of what you need for you. There isn't any need for fault-finding or finger-pointing. It's about having a heartfelt discussion from where you feel you're at, and listening to what's going on at your partner's side.
9. Give it time. Improvements to your sexual life may not happen at the pace that you like. However, note, acknowledge and celebrate small process. It will encourage your partner and yourself to keep at it, including chipping at your shyness about talking about sex, your awkwardness about trying new things, your embarrassment at not knowing all the answers (who does?). It's all about having fun, and willing to laugh at yourself, along the way.
10. Seek support. If you have both given things time, and done what you felt is your best within your abilities, there really is no need to plough along dogmatically. There are many qualified and compassionate professionals who are help both of you short-cut your way to a better and more fulfilling sex life and relationship. I wish you all the best!
Copyright © by Dr. Martha Tara Lee and The Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.
Founder of Eros Coaching, Dr. Martha Tara Lee is a Clinical Sexologist who conducts sexuality and intimacy coaching as well as runs sexuality educational events. Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men's Health Singapore, Men's Health Malaysia, Durex Singapore Facebook page as well as Durex Malaysia Facebook page.
She was recognized as one of Top 50 Inspiring Women under 40 by Her World in July 2010, and one of Top 100 Inspiring Women by CozyCot in March 2011. She is author of newly-released book Love, Sex and Everything In-Between. www.eroscoaching.com/profile/
Ask Our Coaches
How do I bring the sizzle back into our marriage?
My wife and I have been married for almost five years. We have a good relationship and we have lost some of the initial sizzle that we had in the beginning.
A buddy of mine said he and his wife went to a workshop where they learned that it's not enough to be kind and considerate and loving to each other on a daily basis. He said they were told to increase their pleasure by adding surprises at least once a month.
I thought that sounded like a good idea, so he and I are putting our heads together to find some extra special ways to surprise our wives. We thought of some things we could do. And I ran across your website and thought you might be able to help us generate some more ideas. Any suggestions?
~ Tom from Snowflake, AZ
Antoinette responds ...
No matter how long you and your partner have been together, you should always make time for romantic encounters - and a good way to do this is date night.
Avoid monotony: when scheduling your date night, make sure you do not assign a particular day of the week. If you have to arrange a babysitter, find a babysitter who is has a flexible timetable.
Make sure you're spending quality time with your partner: Include plenty or conversation and interaction - so avoid the movie theater.
Make your date night a sacred evening – take time to connect. This means no unexpected visits from friends. Don't let work obligations take priority.
Make it enjoyable: Enroll in a dance and or cooking class together.
Take turns planning your dates!
Antoinette Freeman | www.take2introvisuals.com
Susan responds ...
While it is great to bring in surprises, it sounds intimacy needs to be reignited on a bigger scale. It also sounds like you have a good foundation and reigniting the sizzle can start with small, simple, romantic gestures that are frequent, meaningful, inspiring the response you both are seeking. Then things can move into bigger gestures and bigger surprises, while keeping a day- to -day connection.
Making sure the 'sizzle' doesn't 'fizzle' is more of an ongoing holistic process of rebuilding intimacy on all levels. It is also important to know what your partner feels more 'sizzle' would look like as well, so you are both participating to increase the passion together.
Hiring a good Relationship Coach can support you or both of you to bring back that spark in a more holistic and structured way so that intimate connection becomes a mutual way of being in the relationship. This makes sizzle more frequent for both of you rather than an every once in a while occurrence.
Susan Ortolano | www.conscioussoulmates.com
Anita responds ...
It's great to hear spouses wanting to keep love sizzling! Go back to your mental vault and pull some old memories out from the times when you first met. You made her giggle and smile. You impressed her. Sometimes the effort in anything is in remembering what meant everything to her.
Here are some ideas I can give you going forward, while you collect some goodies from your past:
Send a sweet care package... At home or work. A collection of little things that tell her you think she's pretty awesome. Herald her as your wife, a mother, as an employee. Think of her favorite candies, cookies, or a retro snack she hasn't had in ages.
Send a card... A letter. Handwritten if possible. A funny one. A loving one.
Leave her a thoughtful text... Send an email.
Take a picture of you doing something that she hoped you'd do (the dishes, laundry, a project) and tell her you love her.
Be funny - Like ha ha funny. Nothing turns a woman on more than making her laugh, giggle and smile. And I suspect nothing makes a man feel more accomplished in a relationship than to be the recipient of those!
Anita Myers | www.innerscopeconsulting.com
Katriela responds ...
Congratulations on being happily married for five years. And bravo to wanting to improve your marriage. No doubt you'll find many ways to surprise your wife.
Two qualities make for a perfect partnership – Kindness and Respect, Kindness is being a giver in the relationship, meaning your generosity in time, money, resources, and in acts of lovingkindness. Respect is about protecting boundaries, acknowledging sensitivities, maintaining loyalty, and appreciating and holding your spouse in the highest regard.
At its very essence - when the wife is certain in her heart and in her mind - that she is the most important and most precious to her husband - then all is well in her world. Gifts, jewelry, chocolates, a surprise vacation are nice and appreciated. But there is nothing more priceless than the gift of yourself.
The lustful passion in the romantic phase of your relationship cannot be duplicated, it was predicated on mystery and newness.
But intimate passion - an ever deepening bond and passion between husband and wife can be yours. This is an ever-deepening discovery of each other, of sharing vulnerability and feeling safe. This is sharing in each other's life vision and supporting each other success. You will need at least a lifetime to fully express intimate passion.
Katriela Isaacson, CPC | www.CommittedMarriage.com
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here www.relationshipcoach.org/ask-the-coach and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
Love, Sex and Everything In-Between
by RCI member Dr. Martha Lee
"Love, Sex and Everything In-Between" is a compilation of the thoughts, insights and musings on all things related to sex and sexuality by Clinical Sexologist Dr. Martha Tara Lee in Singapore. It is also available on Amazon as well as Kindle.
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