May 2014
Conscious Dating Singles News - May 2014

IN THIS ISSUE:



FEATURED Article

7 Love Blockers That Are Keeping You Single and Sad

By Dr. Wendy Lyon
Couple in Love

If you've been searching for "the one" but haven't had any luck, ask yourself this important question: Are love-blocking beliefs stopping you from love?

Are you carrying around fear-based beliefs from your childhood or early relationship experiences? Sometimes, these issues are so deeply embedded in us, we're not even aware that these love blockers are lurking in our subconscious. The first step to moving past these old, limiting viewpoints is to recognize that they are there. So take a deep breath, and notice if any of these common love-blocking beliefs sound familiar to you.

#1 - I'm Not Good Enough

Probably the most common belief that stops us in our tracks, both in our love lives and in other areas of life is: I'm not good enough (As in, "I'm not good enough to find love the way I am … If only I were better, I might find love.") Variations on this theme include "I'm not young enough (As in, "How will I ever find a partner at my age?!"), I'm not attractive enough (As in, "Men only like women who look like models."), I'm not rich enough (As in, "People only want to date someone who has money.") or I'm not smart enough ("I need to be witty and wise on dates or I'll never have a second date.")... Does any of this sound familiar to you?

Basically, the belief is that "I'm not OK the way I am, and I should be different." When you believe you're not OK the way you are, you'll tend to beat yourself up, push yourself to be different and feel discouraged and unhappy. You'll actually repel nourishing love away, because healthy people want to be around others who feel comfortable and content with themselves, not those who believe they're not good enough.

#2 - I'm Willing To Settle

Another common limiting belief is "I can't have what I really want, so I should just settle for what I can get." This is a hugely common belief; many of us give up and feel resigned to our lot in life without making an effort to get what we really want. If you buy into the belief that you can't have your heart's desire when it comes to love, you'll probably accept whatever relationships show up, and stay with people who are not good matches for you. You may spend years, even decades, feeling disappointed with your love life and wishing things were different. When you think you have to settle for what you can get, you’ll probably be afraid to take risks and try something new. When you believe you can’t have what you really want, it may feel too painful to even stop to ask what you really do want. Without a clear vision, you’ll find it very challenging to manifest your dreams!

#3 - Relationships Are Dangerous — And Potentially Harmful

If you've made it to adulthood, you've probably experienced hurt, disappointment or rejection. This block to love happens when you're convinced that you'll be hurt, disappointed or rejected again, and that you won't be able to handle it. You may be "getting out there" in the dating world, but if you secretly believe relationships are dangerous and scary, you'll avoid getting close enough to anyone to let love in. You may decide to play it safe and avoid dating and relationships all together, convincing yourself that you prefer the company of your cat and Ben and Jerry.

#4 - Relationships Take Care Of Themselves And Don't Need My Attention

If you believe your relationships will magically take care of themselves, you won't make them a priority in your life.

Rather than nurture connections with loved ones, you'll focus your attention on things that seem more important, like work, money or hobbies. You may spend a lot more time looking at phone, computer and TV screens than looking into the eyes of your partner or children. If you're single, you may not bother to put energy into finding a partner or staying connected with friends and family. What happens when you're too busy to pay much attention to how you relate with the people in your life?

#5 - It's Not Safe To Tell People How I Really Feel Or What I Want

We think this because we're afraid to get hurt or be disliked. If you believe this, you'll be very careful about what you say and how you act — and you may be so cautious that you don't even let people you're dating know that you want a relationship. When you're strategic instead of authentic, your relationships with others will suffer. What happens when you keep secrets, withhold information or play games instead of just sharing what’s true for you? You lose intimacy and trust and you don't get your needs met, and the other person feels confused and disconnected from you. Not a good recipe for true love!

#6 - Others Are To Blame For My Problems

If only YOU were different, I could be happy. If you changed, my problems would go away. When you blame others for your problems, you keep yourself stuck in victim mode. By not taking responsibility for your part in creating the drama or discomfort you are experiencing, you are essentially handing over your power. If you're quick to blame someone else for what's wrong in your life, you probably feel helpless to change whatever's wrong! When we blame, we make the other person wrong and we make ourselves right... a surefire way to destroy intimacy and empathy in your relationship.

#7 - Relationships Should Just Happen Spontaneously

You may feel that you should know everything you need to know about relationships without asking. Now, if you've ever tried to learn a new sport, a foreign language or a musical instrument, you understand the value of education and practice. However, when it comes to relationships, most people hold the belief that true love should just show up when you're least expecting it, and there’s nothing you can do to prepare for the love you want. Might there be another way?

Each of these detrimental beliefs can block you from finding and connecting to the love you truly deserve. Don't stay stuck with limiting beliefs that keep you unhappy, separate and disconnected from others.

So, how can you change your attitude and refocus your efforts? First, you need to be aware of your beliefs in order to change them. Start by noticing all the assumptions you make automatically about yourself and others, and recognize that this pattern of subconscious thinking causes you harm — and keeps you lonely. Stop and question the impeding beliefs you've instinctively assumed were true. What's possible when you let go of the love blockers? Everything your heart desires.


Copyright © 2014 by Dr. Wendy Lyon. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.

Dr. Wendy Lyon
Dr. Wendy Lyon is a psychologist, master certified relationship and life coach, workshop facilitator, speaker, and author. As a relationship expert, Dr. Wendy has been interviewed for newspapers, magazines, radio and television. Her Roadmap to Relationship Success in the book Roadmap to Success, is essential for anyone who is single or in a relationship that's not working.

For more information visit www.mytruelovepath.com

Ask Our Coaches

Can I get my ex-boyfriend back or am I kidding myself?

sad woman with picture Dear Coaches,

My boyfriend broke up with me about 2 months ago. He said he did it because he wanted to "protect" me. I'm giving myself time to move on but I still love him and in reality, I want him back. I sent him a message a couple of weeks ago, which he ignored. A mutual friend tells me he seems to be back to his old self. I don't want to live in false hope but I don't want to just forget about him either. What should I do?!?

~ Lizzy.


Marian Meade

Marian responds ...

Breakups are always hard, especially when you're the one left behind. It's tough when you want to be with someone and they don't feel the same way. I'm guessing you're feeling sad and lonely, as anyone would. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything ok. However, as much as you want him back, the fact is that he chose to leave, and it's important to accept it. Otherwise, you're living in a fantasy.

When someone loves you, they move mountains to be with you. Your boyfriend broke up with you, without any real explanation, and ignored your attempt to contact him. His decision was final, and one sided. When you look at the facts, is this really the way you want to be treated? You deserve to be loved and cherished. I encourage you to raise your standards of what you consider to be acceptable treatment.

For some straight talk on attracting someone who is worthy of you, you might read 'He's Just Not That Into You' by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. They would recommend you let go and look for someone who truly loves you and shows it. And so do I. Good luck!

Marian Meade | www.marriagemindedcoaching.com


Antoinette Freeman

Antoinette responds ...

If people treat you like an option, leave them like a choice. Your boyfriend is too familiar with you and takes you for granted. Without communication there is no relationship. Without respect there is no love. Without trust there is no reason to continue. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for how you allow others to treat you. Set your boundaries for your next relationship with someone who is worthy of YOU!

Antoinette Freeman | www.take2introvisuals.com


Sandi Boyd

Sandi responds ...

I am sorry for your pain. It is heart breaking when a relationship ends and even more so when we are still in love with our now "ex". I would invite you to examine his behavior as you consider your next steps. It is true that actions/behaviors speak louder than words.

1. "I am breaking up with you to protect you". The message is, "I want to end this and I don't want her to think I am a schmuck, so I am going to make it look like me breaking up with her is in her best interest." The bottom line is that he wants to be out of the relationship.

2. No response to your text message over two weeks ago. Experts on how men show up when they are interested in a woman clearly state that a man will blow up your phone to show he is interested and to block any other man from getting you. The bottom line is- he no longer interested in relationship with you.

As painful and a harsh reality this is, you will heal, learn from this and move on to thrive in love. Remember: your soul mate will never reject you. Therefore, he was not you soul mate. Go find him and have fun!

Sandi Boyd | www.sandiboyd.relationshipcoach.org


Katriela Isaacson

Katriela responds ...

It appears you're struggling with your feelings of "being in love," being shut out, and feeling hopeless with your situation. A few things you mentioned truly needed clarification and perhaps facing some hard truths. Your ex-boyfriend wanted to "protect" you.

Your choice at this point is to determine for yourself if this "thing" he is trying to protect you from - whether a behavior, a problem, or a situation is something that is acceptable to you, for you, and something you can handle in the long term. It's a truism that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, attitudes, and habits. What would it mean for your future, for your health, for your wellbeing to accept this "thing" into your life, which your ex-boyfriend wants you protected from?

To speak of "love" after only 2 months of dating may be a bit hasty. You owe it to yourself to have a loving and committed relationship based on trust, loyalty, honesty, integrity, and respect. Only then can real love flourish.

You mentioned another matter - that your boyfriend is "back to his old self." What does this mean to you and for you? Is his old self a person with character, kindness, and generosity with whom you can build a lifelong partnership?

You have a unique opportunity now as a single to determine for yourself your relationship requirements, needs, and wants. You can create the life you love, and one day attract and consciously choose the love of your life.

All the best!

Katriela Isaacson, CPC | www.CommittedMarriage.com


This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here www.relationshipcoach.org/ask-the-coach and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.



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Is That What Love Is?

With contributions by RCI Members
Maeve Crawford and Marian Meade

14 women from 12 countries write about their love relationships, and offer their perspectives on finding love.

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