Relationship Coaching Institute News, September 2007

1	RCI's 10 Year Anniversary!	2007
2	F'ree Training: Introduction to Relationship Coaching	Wednesday Oct 17
3	F`ree Conscious Mating Tele-seminar	Sept 26
4	F`ree Conscious Relationship Tele-seminar	Sept 13

RCI's 10 Year Anniversary!

Help us celebrate by wishing us Happy Anniversary and let us know how RCI has made a difference for you here

F`REE TRAINING:
Introduction to Relationship Coaching
Wednesday, October 17
9:00am pacific/Noon eastern

Learn how to coach singles, couples, and develop a successful Relationship Coaching practice, taught by RCI founder David Steele and his teaching staff.

Introduction to Relationship Coaching is a 90-minute tele-training that covers:

How to Coach Singles

The Case for Relationship Coaching
Five Stages of Relationship Coaching
Top Ten Guidelines of Relationship Coaching
Introduction to our ground-breaking Conscious Dating coaching program for singles

How to Coach Couples

Important Facts about Couples
Benefits of Committed Relationships
Comparing Coaching and Therapy
Commitment: The Path to Relationship Happiness?
Coaching Committed vs. Pre-Committed Couples
Solvable vs. Unsolvable Relationship Problems

How to Build a Successful Relationship Coaching Practice

Seven Habits of Highly Successful Practitioners
Top Five Secrets for Building a Successful Practice
Top Five Tips for Marketing That Gets Results
And more!

Your registration includes practical information and materials you can use immediately in your practice.

To register (it's f`ree!) sign up here

Can't make our training date/times? This tele-training is recorded for those unable to attend live, and we also offer an ON-LINE VERSION

Please share with your colleagues!

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F`ree Conscious Mating Tele-Seminar Series

Note: This is our FINAL Conscious Mating tele-seminar. We been conducting these to help us write the book, and this is the final chapter!

Wednesday, September 26, 5:30pm pacific/8:30pm eastern

Conscious Mating:
When We Must Say Goodbye

With David Steele and Linda Marshall

When singles become pre-committed couples they ask themselves "Is this the right relationship for me? Is this 'The One' for a lifetime commitment?" The answer for one or both might be "No," so then what?

Saying good bye is hard. When a couple breaks up, even if they were not in a committed relationship, they experience grief and loss. Many move on with their lives without closure because it's so uncomfortable.

Completing a relationship with integrity helps you move forward and become ready for your next relationship. Not getting closure results in carrying more baggage into your next relationship.

In this program you will learn:

- Three primary reasons for experiencing pain in a breakup, what they mean and what to do about it

- Our step-by-step "Goodbye Process" for getting closure on a relationship after it ends

- Strategies for saying goodbye for the initiator and receiver

- Our #1 Strategy for handling the pain of a breakup

- And more!

No need to register! To access this seminar use this link-
www.ConsciousMatingSeminar.com

As a subscriber you will receive reminders a few days prior and the day of the seminar.

Can't attend? No problem. The recordings of all our programs are available f`ree at www.consciousrelationshippodcast.com

F`ree Conscious Relationship Tele-Seminar Series

On the second Thursday of each month we conduct a f`ree tele-seminar on relatioships featuring top experts!.

Thursday, September 13, 5:30pm pacific/8:30pm eastern

Ilene Dillon, MSW Addressing Relationship Energy Drainers

With Ilene Dillon, MSW, MFT, LCSW

Do you know that "the way a relationship starts off, it tends to continue"?

Too often we spend weeks or months in a relationship, only to find it is not working for us because we feel drained, guilty, very angry, or used in the relationship.

You can save yourself time, energy, and pain by learning to recognize immediately when your energy is being drained and what you can do about it. Whether you have a penchant for attracting energy draining individuals or you experience energy draining only occasionally, you'll appreciate having readily-available tools for dealing with this all-too-common relationship challenge.

In this program you will learn:

How and why energy draining occurs

6 ways to immediately recognize when your energy is being drained.

Two prominent patterns of energy draining.

Three actions you can take to neutralize energy draining from others.

How to utilize the 72-Hour Rule to strengthen yourself in relationships.

The D.E.S.C. Plus-A-Step method for communicating powerfully.

No need to register! To access this seminar use this link-
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminar.com

As a subscriber you will receive reminders a few days prior and the day of the seminar.

Can't attend? No problem. The recordings of all our programs are available f`ree at www.consciousrelationshippodcast.com

Feature Article:
Finding Lasting Love by
Experiencing Your Experience

by David Steele

In the pre-commitment stage when singles become couples, each partner has different hopes and dreams, wants and needs, attitudes and experiences. These differences too often result in relationship failure and disappointment when one or both partners attempt to mold the relationship and their partner to fit what they want, rather than accepting and embracing what is. While we must have a vision and requirements and choose a partner and relationship aligned with what we want, we can't be so rigid that we reject reality.

How do we let go of needing perfection without settling for less than what we really want? One strategy I recommend for Conscious Mating is to “experience your experience.”

What Does It mean to "Experience Your Experience?"

Your “experience” is what happens inside of you. It happens automatically. It's the thoughts that pop into your head, the sensations you have in your body; what you see, hear, feel, touch and taste. It's what you are feeling emotionally.

Your experience just happens. You go to a movie and you love the movie and you feel tingly and warm, that is your experience of the movie; you have a positive experience of it. You go to a movie and it scares you, turns you off, you hate it and it repulses you; you have a negative experience of the movie.

Your experience is involuntary. It just happens and it always happens in the now, so you must be present in the now to experience your experience; you can't be in the past, thinking about what was, and you can't be in the future, thinking about what will be.

Relationships only happen in the present. Connection can only happen in the present. To be in touch with what is real for us and to have a fulfilling relationship we must be able to experience our experience.

So "experience your experience" means to be present, be in the now, experiencing what is going on for you right now, and what's real for you right now, instead of your fantasies about what will be and your associations about what was in the past.

Experiencing your experience is important because too often we bring our past baggage into a relationship, we don't see the person and the relationship for what it is, we are too busy coloring it with the past, or we are absorbed in fantasy about the future, about what it might be and could be and will be.

Experience Comes First, Then Meaning and Action

Your experience is what’s real for you, and you get to decide what it means. If you went to a movie and it repulsed you, then you might make up a story, an interpretation of your experience, that the movie was horrible, it was the worst movie ever made. That's because of your experience.

Your experience results in your stories or your interpretations and meanings, and then what you might do is tell everybody you know, "That was the worst movie. Don't see it." So your stories, which come from your experience, then result in your actions or what you say and do.

Three Stages of Relationship

Stage One: Romantic Love

A relationship is a process, not an event, and there are stages that you go through. When you fall in love, you enter a romantic love stage that feels wonderful. Chemistry is high, your hormones are pumping, the world is more beautiful than it has ever looked before, and you feel like you’re alive and glowing.

In this stage you notice your similarities with your partner, the ways in which you’re alike, and you feel like you’ve known this person your whole life. You feel like all of your needs are going to be met and everything you've ever dreamed for your life is going to come true because you've met this person.

This is an important stage because it is bonding you with your partner, and this bonding will be needed to get through the stage that comes next, because romantic love as much as many of us would like to hold onto it because it feels so good inevitably comes to an end, and the next stage then is the power struggle.

The romantic love stage can last up to two years, and typically wears off soon after making some kind of commitment. When you're in the romantic love stage you want to please your partner, and even if you were your own person before you met them, you often give up parts of yourself to please them. But we don't do this for long. Eventually, our real self wants to assert itself, and when that happens, you start to notice each other's differences.

Stage Two: Power Struggle

During the power struggle stage we become acutely aware of our differences and the things we don’t like about our partner and the relationship. What's really happening is that the parts of yourself that you had to cut off as you grew up are asserting themselves in a search for wholeness. For example, if you weren’t able to express anger as a child you’ll struggle with this as an adult and need to do so in your intimate relationship to heal your past and become a whole, mature, developed person. Your anger or frustration is not really about your partner. The issues and dynamics that come up in this stage are your blueprint for growth because they demand new skills and behaviors that are challenging and you're not going to want to do them. But if you're willing to stretch you get to reclaim your wholeness and your relationship will deepen and progress to the next stage.

It can be very difficult to understand what’s happening in the power struggle stage and it’s easy to blame your partner or the relationship for the stress and conflict that you experience. Many relationships don’t survive this stage. It helps to get outside support (relationship coaching, counseling, therapy) to understand and work through what's really going on. As relationship coaches we would like to help while the relationship is still good before there has been a lot of irreversible damage from the conflict of the power struggle stage.

Stage Three: Conscious Relationship

Once you've worked through the power struggle stage you may still experience frustration and conflict, however you’ve matured and learned the skills needed to take ownership of your experience and communicate effectively with your partner.

When the power struggle diminishes you can enjoy each other's company and have more fun together, experience more synchronicity, positive energy, and your relationship seems effortless and you’re more deeply connected with each other. You know each other’s warts and you love each other unconditionally.

This is the kind of relationship we yearn for, that comes with effort in learning how to get through the power struggle stage.

Evolve vs. Push vs. Twist

In the pre-commitment stage it’s important to allow a relationship to evolve and be what it is, instead of trying to push it to happen faster, or twist the relationship (or partner) to be what you want it to be. I recommend taking the time to get to know who your partner really is, instead of focusing on your fantasies, hopes and dreams. Experience your experience, embrace “what is,” and stay in the now so you are gounded in reality about your partner and relationship.

Your "Pygmalion Project"

A long time ago there was a brash, young sculptor named Pygmalion. He found the women of Cyprus so flawed that he resolved to carve a statue of his ideal woman, embodying every feminine grace and virtue. For months, he'd labor with all his prodigious skill, a rounding here and smoothing there until he had fashioned the most exquisite figure ever conceived by art. So exquisite indeed was his creation that Pygmalion fell passionately in love with the statue and could be seen in the studio kissing its marble lips, fingering its marble hands, dressing and grooming the figure as if caring for a doll. But soon, and in spite of the work's incomparable loveliness, Pygmalion was desperately unhappy, for the lifeless statue could not respond to his desires. The cold stone could not return the warmth of his love. He had set out to shape his perfect woman, but had succeeded only in creating his own frustration and despair.

A "Pygmalion project" is when you get together with somebody and your agenda is to mold them in your own image and twist your partner and the relationship into being what you want it to be. This doesn't work very well. And as you saw in the Greek legend above, even if you succeed, you're going to be unhappy, because it's not real. Your partner isn't real if they allow you to mold them. It's not a real relationship. And you'll be frustrated because even if you think you want them to be a certain way, to be more like you, it's not what you really want and it's not what you really need.

I believe we all have this tendency inside us. It's very tempting to want to mold your partner and want them to be different. To prevent this from happening we must stay conscious in our relationship and experience your experience. Experience your partner for who they really are, attempt to have a real relationship with them, and in the pre-commitment stage, if it doesn't work for you based on what it really is, then go ahead and move on.

Triad for Creative Lasting Love

To effectively “experience your experience” I’ve found it helpful to stay conscious of three aspects of your experience-

Facts- usually a measureable event ("the sky is blue")

Judgments- the meaning we make of the event ("the blue sky is pretty")

Feelings- our emotions and sensations (warm, cold, happy, sad, etc)

Often, what we human beings do, especially when we're upset or excited, is we make judgments about something and try to make that be the fact-

"You make me so angry."
"You're a jerk."
"I love you."
"War is hell."
"Ice cream is good."

These are all judgments. You might feel so strongly about them that you believe them to be true. While they might be your personal truth at the time, they are not facts, no matter how strongly you believe them to be true.

It all starts with an event or stimulus. Something happens that gives us a certain experience.

Then, we react to our experience by making meaning of it and forming judgments.

Then, our judgments stimulate our emotions- mad, sad, glad, fear, shame.

And this all happens in the blink of an eye.

We can then react consciously or unconsciously. If we react unconsciously we will act out our feelings and judgments, whatever they are.

Four Steps for Experiencing Your Experience

If we react consciously we will separate the facts from our feelings and judgments and then decide what meanings to make and actions to take. This begins by reviewing the facts in your head and making sure you're not mixing in judgments-

Step One: Review the facts

"OK, the sky is blue, we're walking in the park together, the temperature is about 76 degrees, I just said "It's a beautiful day" and my friend said "No, it sucks."

Step Two: Review your judgments

"Hmm, I believe it's a gorgeous day, walking here is wonderful, and I judge that my friend isn't getting it at all."

Step Three: Identify your feelings

"I'm glad it's such a beautiful day, sad that my friend is troubled and not enjoying it, frustrated and angry at their negativity."

Step Four: Make a conscious choice

Once you've separated the facts from your judgments and feelings you are in a much better position to experience your experience and decide what to think, feel, and how to react.

Notice in the above example that the judgments and feelings are mixed, which is common. If you are conscious you can choose amongst the mix of judgments and feelings that you will embrace and act upon, and which you will discard or leave alone.

In the above example you might decide to focus upon your sadness that your friend is having a bad day and choose a compassionate response, and to discard your judgment that they aren't "getting it."

Top Ten Attitudes Necessary for Lasting Love

An “attitude” is a system of beliefs, an interpretation or way of looking at the world. Attitude precedes outcome and can interfere or facilitate being in the present and experiencing your experience. You have control of and can choose your attitudes.

1. I will be happy by having goals and letting go of attachment to outcomes

2. I strive to live and “be” in the present

3. I love, accept, and trust myself

4. I focus on connecting, not results; a partner is someone to love, not an object or goal

5. I strive to be authentic; being fully honest with others, and myself, aligning my words, values and actions

6. I strive to live my life with intentionality; making choices conscious of my goals and consequences

7. I strive to take the necessary risks, overcome my fears, and stretch my comfort level to reach my goals

8. I assume abundance; all the opportunities and resources that I need will appear

9. I take responsibility for my outcomes by taking initiative in my life and relationships

10. What others judge about me is about them; I strive to let go of what others think and not take it personally.

Finding Lasting Love by Experiencing Your Experience

Strive to stay grounded in the reality of what is and make your decisions based on reality, instead of trying to make the relationship be what you want it to be. It's a fine line, because we do have a vision, we do have requirements, needs, and wants, and our agenda is to live that vision and get those requirements, needs, and wants met. But to find lasting love we must choose a partner that's truly aligned with our needs and work with that partner in a reality-based way by experiencing our experience each and every day.

To listen to the replay of our recent tele-seminar- Conscious Mating: Finding Lasting Love by Experiencing Your Experience click here

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Invitations

Invitation #1
Please share this newsletter with a colleague. There is a tremendous need for our services, and we need to work together. Relationship Coaching is in its infancy, and we must collaborate to build our market niche and position as a resource of wide appeal for anyone who wants a successful relationship.

Invitation #2
I invite you to listen to the following introductory recordings 24 hours a day at your convenience by visiting http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/audio/index.htm

Commitment: The Secret Ingredient to Relationship Happiness
Introduction to Relationship Coaching
Conscious Dating for Relationship Success
Conscious Mating: Is This the Right Relationship for Me?
And more!

Invitation #3
I invite you to join our f`ree Introduction to Relationship Coaching tele-training.

Invitation #4
To subscribe to this newsletter, our newsletter for SINGLES, our newsletter for COUPLES, or our GETTTING CLIENTS newsletter, visit
http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/forms/subscribe.htm

Invitation #5
To learn more about Relationship Coaching this article is a great place to start-
Relationship Coaching: New Hope for Singles and Couples

Invitation #6
To learn more about Relationship Coaching Institute check out-
RCI: More Than Relationship Coaching Training

How do you like our newsletter? Your feedback is welcome! Until next time....

Best regards,
David Steele, MA, LMFT
Relationship Coach
CEO and Founder of Relationship Coaching Institute
David@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org
http://www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.BuildingYourIdealPractice.com
http://www.PrivatePracticeMarketingPodcast.com
http://www.PrivatePracticeMagic.com
http://www.privatepracticemarketingonabudget.com
http://www.consciousrelationshipresources.com
http://www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com
http://www.ConsciousRelationshipArticles.com
http://www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com
http://www.ConsciousRelationshipSpeaker.com
http://www.ConsciousDating.com
http://www.ConsciousDating.org
http://www.ConsciousDatingSeminars.com
http://www.ConsciousDatingTeleClinic.com
http://www.consciousmating.com
http://www.consciousmating.org
http://www.PartnersInLife.org
http://www.DavidSteeleOnline.com
http://www.myspace.com/davidasteele
Telephone: 888.268.4074

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For More Information

For Past Issues of this Newsletter
http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/newsletter/archive.htm

Our Purpose
The purpose of this newsletter is to connect, support each other, inform, and build a strong community of coaches dedicated to helping people find fulfillment in their lives and relationships.

This monthly newsletter is written for the benefit of RCI Relationship Coaches, and is available to interested others. Feel free to share this with a colleague. Your submissions and feedback are welcome!

Our Mission
To provide the tools, information and support to help singles find the love of their life and the life that they love, and to help couples co-create fulfilling and lasting Life Partnerships.

Copyright Notice
This newsletter is copyrighted and all rights are reserved. Feel free to share with others as long as our contact information and authorship is included.
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Links to Us

Relationship Coaching Institute
F`ree introductory training!
http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

BuildingYourIdealPractice.com
F`ree monthly tele-seminars!
http://www.buildingyouridealpractice.com

Conscious Dating for Singles
F`ree audio programs, e-programs, and more!
www.ConsciousDating.org

Partners in Life for Couples
F`ree audio programs, e-programs, and more!
www.PartnersInLife.org

F`ree Monthly Conscious Relationship Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com

F`ree Conscious Relationship Audio Programs
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com

F`ree Conscious Dating Tele-Seminar Series for Singles
www.ConsciousDatingSeminars.com

F`ree Conscious Dating Tele-Clinic for Singles
www.ConsciousDatingTeleclinic.com

F`ree Conscious Mating Tele-Seminar Series for Couples
www.ConsciousMatingSeminars.com

Member of Relationship Coaching Network
F`ree resources for singles, couples and professionals
http://www.relationshipcoachingnetwork.org

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Announcements

Feature Article: Finding Lasting Love by Experiencing Your Experience

Invitations

For More Information

Links to Us

Feature Article:
Finding Lasting Love by
Experiencing Your Experience