Relationship Coaching Institute News, May 2007

1	RCI's 10 Year Anniversary!	2007
2	New and improved Communication Map launches	Now available!
3	Free Training: Introduction to Relationship Coaching	Tuesdays, June 5, 12, 19
4	Free Conscious Dating Tele-seminar	May 3
5	Free Conscious Mating Tele-seminar	May 23

RCI's 10 Year Anniversary!

Help us celebrate by wishing us Happy Anniversary and let us know how RCI has made a difference for you here

New and improved Communication Map now available!

Simple and easy to understand

Learn and implement in less than an hour

Universal- works for all relationships and settings- work, home, business, family, parenting, couples, etc

Tested and proven by hundreds of graduates of Relationship Coaching Institute

Designed to quickly and effectively address interpersonal issues and problems to prevent and resolve conflict, The Communication Map can be learned by anyone in less than an hour.

The Communication Map is 8 1/2 x 11 inches, full-color, laminated for durability, and comes with a 44-minute audio CD tutorial.

View a sample here

- Easily and intuitively understood

- Jargon-free

- Immediate results

- Learn in one hour or less

- Implement without professional help

Practical, effective, and affordable conflict resolution tool for personal and professional relationships

Discounts for multiple copies / Free shipping!

For more information about The Communication Map visit www.thecommunicationmap.com

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FREE TRAINING:
Introduction to Relationship Coaching
Starts April 3rd

Learn how to coach singles, couples, and develop a successful Relationship Coaching practice, taught by RCI founder David Steele and his teaching staff.

Introduction to Relationship Coaching includes 3 one-hour tele-classes, Tuesdays, April 3, 10, and 17; 9:00am pacific/Noon eastern.

Class #1	How to Coach Singles	April 3
Class #2	How to Coach Couples	April 10
Class #3	How to Build a Successful Relationship Coaching Practice	April 17

Each class includes practical information and materials you can use immediately in your practice.

To register (it's free!) sign up here

Can't make our training dates/times? Each class is recorded for those unable to attend, and we also offer an ON-LINE VERSION

Please share with your colleagues!

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Free Conscious Dating Tele-Seminar Series:

May Program
Thursday, May 3, 6:30pm pacific/9:30pm eastern

Being the Chooser: A New Paradigm for Loving Yourself

With Frankie Doiron and special guest, RCI Director of Singles Training, Lynne Michelson

We have been asking singles to tell us their biggest challenges with Conscious Dating and we've received many questions about the concept of being a ‘Chooser.’ If you've ever felt rejected when a date didn't reciprocate your feelings of interest, then this program's for you. We've even lined up a special guest expert to share her insights.

In this program you learn-

What being a ‘Chooser’ really means and why it is your guarantee to finding the love of your life

Why self-love and acceptance are the basis of a ‘Chooser’ perspective

The top 5 obstacles you need to overcome to be a ‘Chooser’

How to forever eliminate feelings of fear and rejection

What your ideal partner is looking for in a mate and how you can stand above the crowd

Why living your life fully, in alignment with your values and life vision, makes you a magnet for love

And much more!

For your invitation to this seminar series click here

Free Conscious Mating Tele-Seminar Series:

On the fourth Wednesday of each month we conduct a free tele-seminar on the pre-commitment stage of relationship.

May Program
Wednesday, May 23, 5:30pm pacific/8:30pm eastern

Conscious Mating:
Dealing With Our Baggage

With David Steele and Linda Marshall

We are a product of our past and can't get away from bringing our past baggage into our present relationships.

To practice Conscious Mating we must be aware of our relationship history and patterns and how they impact our relationships. Past experiences shape how we think, feel and act, which becomes habitual unless we can use our consciousness to make different choices.

In this Tele-Seminar you will learn:

- How our past is a goldmine for discovering our Vision, Purpose, Requirements, Needs and Wants

- "Baggage" as a source of strength as well as weakness

- Research-based patterns and habits of successful relationships

- The most one most important key to dealing with baggage

- Four steps for dealing with baggage

- And more!

No need to register! As a subscriber you will receive a reminder with the telephone bridge number needed to join a few days prior to the seminar.

Can't attend? No problem. The recordings of all our programs are available free at www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com

Feature Article:
Key Paradigms for Effective Communication

By David Steele

To celebrate the launch of the brand new, improved Communication Map, in this article I will describe two key paradigms from this practical, innovative, easy-to-understand communication system- "Rules of the Road" and "The Wall."

The Communication Map is a tool that I developed in my practice with couples. I was searching for a strategy of how to help them with their communication in a way they could relate to, without jargon, that would help their functioning immediately, that they could learn in one session or less and then go home and actually use effectively and independently without my help. This was my criteria that no other communication model could meet, so I experimented and tested until The Communication Map came together as it is today.

My priority with couples is “fuctioning first.” The Communication Map doesn’t address feelings or the past. In my way of thinking, you must survive before you can thrive. Many couples get stuck in conflict around the big and little issues in their life together. Nobody likes arguing, which causes bad feelings, and many cope with conflict by avoiding it, which causes resentments and doesn’t help the relationship either. The communication map is a foundational system that provides you a structure for effectively addressing issues and problems in any relationship. You can then use other skills to address feelings, reasons and motivations, the past, and other aspects that might enhance the relationship beyond solving problems.

Most relationship professionals will not see much new in The Communication Map, which is designed and packaged for the public, not for the experts! Since developing The Communication Map some years ago I’ve heard from many, many people that they like it, it’s easy to learn and use, and is universal enough to use in any relationship, including parent/child, manager/employee, friends, neighbors, and so on. People are amazed that they can go home and actually use it effectively right away, making their life together more functional and harmonious immediately. Relationship professionals like The Communication Map as a tool they can give to their clients that will immediately help their functioning so they can benefit from therapy, counseling, or coaching.

This month I'm launching a new and improved version of The Communication Map. It is now in full color, 8 1/2 x 11 laminated for durability, and includes a brand new 44-minute audio CD tutorial in how to use it. You can view a sample here

The front side is the actual map. It's a graphic of what happens in communication and what to do about it when there is an issue. On the back of The Communication Map are my "Top Five Communication Tips." The communication map can be used in all settings. I call it a "one-page communication system for all relationships."

The Communication Map comes into play when one person in a relationship experiences an issue or problem and needs to talk to the other person about it. Before you start communicating about an issue it’s very helpful to let your partner know what’s going on and ask if it’s a good time for them or make an appointment. For example “I have something important to discuss, is now a good time for you?” This gives the partner the time and opportunity to prepare themselves and clear their head to listen and be receptive. In addition to making sure it’s a good time to talk, it helps to go to a private space free from distractions. You must make sure the time and place is conducive to good communication, otherwise it won’t work from the start. This is not news to most relationship professionals.

THE RULES OF THE ROAD

In any communication there is a sender and a receiver. The Communication Map comes into play when the sender is experiencing an issue of some kind and needs to communicate about it. Before communication starts, especially around an issue, it's important to understand the ground rules. On the lower-right side of The Communication Map are the following nine "Rules of the Road," many of which you most likely already know, but is a good paradigm for non-experts.

1. Issues are unmet needs

In my thinking, a problem or an issue in a relationship is about an unmet need. If it weren't a need, it wouldn't be an issue.

2. All issues are valid

If we assume this then we won’t argue with each other about the validity of the issue. It is not nice to discount somebody's issues and say, "Oh come on now that's no big deal. What's your problem? Don’t be ridiculous." Don't allow someone to discount your issue. And don't discount their issue either, because all issues are valid, big and small. Just the fact that you experience an issue makes it valid, you don’t need to justify it or get agreement about whether it’s an issue or not.

3. Who has the unmet need owns the issue

I call this "David Steele's Law of Relationship," and it goes two ways-

For the sender it means that if you have an issue, it’s about you, you own it. It's yours. It belongs to you. There is no universal issue out there that if everybody experiences this one thing, everybody will have an issue with it. Some people will. Some people won't. Needs and issues are subjective, not facts. They are your truth and not necessarily a truth that others share.

So if it's an issue for you, it's because you have the need and the need is unmet. It's not automatically an indictment that your partner is in the wrong. For example, if your partner comes home late and doesn’t call, in some relationships that might be a problem, in others it wouldn’t be a big deal. If you have a need to know what to expect it will be an issue for you if that need is unmet when your partner is late and didn’t call. The need is yours and the issue is yours. Your partner being late is simply a fact, it doesn’t make them right or wrong. It doesn’t make your issue less valid, it simply means you take an attitude of ownership.

Taking ownership of your needs and issues in a relationship is incredibly important because it empowers you to be responsible for your needs, and is much less likely to put your partner on the defensive because you’re not making them wrong or blaming them for your unmet need. See last month's article Ownership: The Most Important Relationship Skill

For the receiver this means that that it’s not about you. It’s not your issue and your job is to let the sender have the issue and don’t try to take it away from them by having an issue with their issue. If you take their issue personally and make it about you then you’ll hit "The Wall" (see below). If you let them have their issue and support them to get their unmet need met you will be helping yourself as well because you want a happy relationship and happy partner.

4.One issue at a time

This is very important because when people communicate about issues and they talk about more than one at a time it often goes all over the place. They bring out everything and the kitchen sink; every resentment they’ve saved up, every little grievance.

If you want to have productive communication, if you want to resolve something between you two, you pretty much have to focus on one thing at a time.

5. Take turns

Take turns being the sender. One person speaks at the time. This is basic playground behavior. Share and take turns. However, you notice that arguments happen because one person is not letting the other person speak so they feel like they have to talk louder to be heard. And then it goes back and forth. So take turns being the sender. I want to acknowledge that this is simple, but it’s not necessarily easy. When you’re hitting the wall it feels so urgent to have your partner listen to you that you have a hard time being present to them. This can take a heroically conscious effort, but it can be done.

6. Speak with moderation

If you're taking turns, then you don't need to yell to be heard. You can speak with moderation. Productive communication is about being calm, respectful and choosing your words carefully so that you say what you mean and mean what you say.

7. Listen with curiosity

This is an important attitude, to be curious about where your partner is coming from and not to prejudge them as wrong, or speculate that, "They really mean-- this.” Or “they’re just saying that because of-- that." Look at them through new eyes. Listen to them as if you're listening to them for the first time. Listen with curiosity. When you do I guarantee you’ll learn something new about your partner and your relationship will not only work better, it’ll be more passionate and fulfilling.

Think back on your patterns in listening to your partner. How often are you formulating in your mind what you’re going to say back to them while they’re talking? Sometimes we don't even give the other guy a chance to finish before we insert our opinions. This is human nature, it’s a bad habit, we all have this tendency and it takes a little effort to adopt an attitude of curiosity, but it’ll help you really be able to hear and listen effectively.

This is also part of taking turns. If your partner is the sender, then you need to be the receiver. You need to listen. If it's your turn to be the sender then you have a right to expect that your partner listen and receive you and if they are not playing that role you can request them to do so.

8. Assume the win-win

Most of us understand intellectually that we can negotiate. We can find a way that works for both of us. But what often happens unconsciously is that there is an assumption or fear that if you get your way then I'm going to lose and I'm not going to get my needs met.

There is oftentimes a scarcity mentality that drives people into conflict. They really don't trust that their needs will be met if their partner's needs are met at the same time. It's either-or. I like to believe that it is both-and. So assume the win-win. If you follow the structure of The Communication Map, that won't be a problem.

I've found in working with couples is that structure is everything. When you have a structure to follow and you know what to do and what not to do then your communication and your relationship is far more productive. The Communication Map probably follows the 80/20 rule. About 80% of it is simply consciousness and understanding about what’s going on, and about 20% of it is actually what to do and what to say. It's actually fairly simple. The more complicated thing is being clear about how this works and what not to do.

9. Nurture the space between

Here's a concept that oftentimes we forget about, and many couples don't even know about, which is that a relationship is more than just two people. There is a space between you where this relationship lives. This is where your children live, and everyone else that comes into contact with the two of you. There's an emotional atmosphere between you two and it needs to be clean in order to be fulfilled and happy. If you have unresolved conflict, if your communication is not clean and effective, if there are resentments and disappointments and unresolved issues between you two, that is going to pollute the space between you two and everyone, including you, will feel it. So the space between IS the relationship.. We want to nurture that space; we want to treat it as sacred. It's not just about your partner and it's not just about you, it's the combination that you are both 100% responsible for. Not 50/50, each partner is 100% responsible for what happens in the space between.

THE WALL

When the sender experiences an issue, a common knee-jerk response is to react negatively- upset, irritated, accusing, demanding, angry, etc. The receiver's common knee-jerk response will also be negative- defensiveness, anger, arguing, etc. Responding negatively to an issue in the relationship I call hitting "The Wall," which consists of Judgment, Interpretation, Defensiveness, and Reactive Emotion.

Let's take the example where one partner comes home from work, they’re late and they didn't call. They usually come home at 5:00 and this evening they're home at 7:00. No call, dinner is cold and the partner that has been waiting is upset and they’ve been worried. What might typically happen in this situation is the sender, when the receiver finally gets home, might say-

"Where have you been? I've been so worried. You're late and you didn't call and I'm really upset, and you know what? You're just a jerk and you're inconsiderate and I can't believe you didn't call me. You always call, why didn't you call this time? Dinner's cold and it's all your fault."

That might be a little exaggerated, but in a lot of relationships that I've seen, that's not so far off the mark.

In this situation what choice does the receiver have? They've got to defend themselves because they're feeling attacked. What really happened here is that the sender experienced an issue because their partner was late and they hit the wall, and in response it would be natural for the receiver to hit the wall as well and resort to one or more of the following-

1. Judgment

Judgment means labeling right or wrong, good or bad. You're a jerk for being late and not calling. You're over-reacting and out of line for giving me a hard time for being late.

The event of being late and not calling is a fact, it happened. Both parties can agree on that, but most likely don't agree on what the fact or event means. Judgment is putting a label of right or wrong, good or bad on a fact or event.

2. Interpretation

Interpretation is speculation or making meaning, creating stories around you being late or why you're late. That you are inconsiderate for being late and you must have something to hide otherwise you would have called to let me know that you were going to be late but you're feeling guilty about something so that's why you didn't call. Or in defense the receiver's story might be "you're insecure, immature, out of control, and just taking your frustration with the kids out on me." Interpretation is about creating stories and making meanings.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is the other side of judgment and what happens when you're feeling attacked. It's a self-protective knee jerk. It would be understandable and common for the receiver in this situation to hit the wall by being defensive and say, "What do you mean? It's only two hours. Dinner's not cold yet. OK, this was just one time but my cell phone died. Give me a break."

While the receiver defends because they're perceiving an attack, the sender perceives defensiveness as discounting their need and issue, and the situation is ripe for an argument.

4. Reactive emotion

We get triggered and react emotionally to our unmet needs. I like to characterize the primary emotions and as "Mad, Sad, Glad, Fear, Shame." All other emotions, like anxiety, anger, rage, embarassment, disappointment, joy, tend to be variations of those five primary emotions.

When you’re experiencing a negative emotion your nervous system is stimulated into fight or flight mode and it’s much harder to communicate productively; it becomes about how you feel. Then you've hit The Wall, which is solid, and you’re not going anywhere. It’s a dead end. Hitting The Wall disrupts the connection between the two of you and the issue and unmet need cannot be addressed until you back up and start over.

Hopefully the concept of The Wall will help you understand what's going on, such as "Oh, OK. I'm in judgment right now, " or "I'm wrapped up in my interpretation of why you're doing this, " or "I'm feeling defensive right now, " or "I'm in a reactive emotion right now." Once you’re conscious enough to realize that you're up against the wall you can give yourself a moment to back up and get back on track.

The Rules of the Road and The Wall are two of the key paradigms that make The Communication Map easy to understand and use. And there's more!

To access the new 44-minute Communication Map Tutorial visit www.communicationmapaudio.com

For more information about The Communication Map visit www.thecommunicationmap.com

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Invitations

Invitation #1
Please share this newsletter with a colleague. There is a tremendous need for our services, and we need to work together. Relationship Coaching is in its infancy, and we must collaborate to build our market niche and position as a resource of wide appeal for anyone who wants a successful relationship.

Invitation #2
I invite you to listen to the following introductory recordings 24 hours a day at your convenience by visiting http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/audio/index.htm (some are available by telephone)

Commitment: The Secret Ingredient to Relationship Happiness
The Communication Map™
Introduction to Relationship Coaching
Conscious Dating for Relationship Success
Conscious Mating: Is This the Right Relationship for Me?
And more!

Invitation #3
I invite you to join our free Introduction to Relationship Coaching tele-training.

Invitation #4
To subscribe to this newsletter, our newsletter for SINGLES, our newsletter for COUPLES, or our GETTTING CLIENTS newsletter, visit
http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/forms/subscribe.htm

Invitation #5
To learn more about Relationship Coaching this article is a great place to start-
Relationship Coaching: New Hope for Singles and Couples

Invitation #6
To learn more about Relationship Coaching Institute check out-
RCI: More Than Relationship Coaching Training

How do you like our newsletter? Your feedback is welcome! Until next time....

Best regards,
David Steele, MA, LMFT
Relationship Coach
CEO and Founder of Relationship Coaching Institute
David@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org
http://www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.BuildingYourIdealPractice.com
http://www.PrivatePracticeMarketingPodcast.com
http://www.PrivatePracticeMagic.com
http://www.privatepracticemarketingonabudget.com
http://www.consciousrelationshipresources.com
http://www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com
http://www.ConsciousRelationshipArticles.com
http://www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com
http://www.ConsciousRelationshipSpeaker.com
http://www.ConsciousDating.com
http://www.ConsciousDating.org
http://www.ConsciousDatingSeminars.com
http://www.ConsciousDatingTeleClinic.com
http://www.consciousmating.com
http://www.consciousmating.org
http://www.PartnersInLife.org
http://www.DavidSteeleOnline.com
http://www.myspace.com/davidasteele
Telephone: 888.268.4074

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The purpose of this newsletter is to connect, support each other, inform, and build a strong community of coaches dedicated to helping people find fulfillment in their lives and relationships.

This monthly newsletter is written for the benefit of RCI Relationship Coaches, and is available to interested others. Feel free to share this with a colleague. Your submissions and feedback are welcome!

Our Mission
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Free monthly tele-seminars!
http://www.buildingyouridealpractice.com

Conscious Dating for Singles
Free audio programs, e-programs, and more!
www.ConsciousDating.org

Partners in Life for Couples
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www.PartnersInLife.org

Free Monthly Conscious Relationship Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com

Free Conscious Relationship Audio Programs
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com

Free Conscious Dating Tele-Seminar Series for Singles
www.ConsciousDatingSeminars.com

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www.ConsciousDatingTeleclinic.com

Free Conscious Mating Tele-Seminar Series for Couples
www.ConsciousMatingSeminars.com

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Announcements

Feature Article: Key Paradigms for Effective Communication

Invitations

For More Information

Links to Us

Feature Article:
Key Paradigms for Effective Communication