Relationship Coaching News
April 2007
Editor- David Steele
Founder and CEO
Relationship Coaching Institute
Copyright 2007 by Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved. Feel free to share with others as long as our contact information and authorship is included. U.S. Library of Congress ISSN#1530-3055.
Conscious Dating:
Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World
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Announcements
| 1 | RCI's 10 Year Anniversary! | 2007 |
| 2 | Free Tele-Seminar: Creating Love Beyond Words | April 13 |
| 3 | Free Training: Introduction to Relationship Coaching | Tuesdays, April 3, 10, 17 |
| 4 | Free Conscious Dating Tele-seminar | April 5 |
| 4 | Free Conscious Mating Tele-seminar | April 25 |
RCI's 10 Year Anniversary!
Help us celebrate by wishing us Happy Anniversary and let us know how RCI has made a difference for you here
Free Conscious Relationship Tele-Seminar Series
On the second Thursday of each month we strive to bring you the best relationship information from top experts FREE to our subscribers!
Creating Love Beyond Words: Straight Talk for Women About Men
With Pat Love, Ed.D
You'll never get a closer marriage by talking to a man like you talk to your girlfriends. It's not about "communication," it's about connection.
Men want closer marriages just as much as women. The stereotype of the aloof or domineering male covers up the fact that he wants to be closer too, but not if he has to feel like a woman.
In this seminar Dr. Pat Love sets women straight about how to get the love you want from the man in your life.
In this program you will learn-
- 10 Ways Women Drive Men Away
- About the emotional vocabulary gap -- why it sounds phony when he says it
- How to handle male emotions: hint- you can't be too direct too quickly
- The truth motivating the shut-down and controlling men, and what to do about it
- Four nonverbal ways to connect with your man
- New information about what brings men and women together, and what tears relationships apart
- "Malespeak"- what he's saying that you don't hear
- What a man would tell you if he could
No need to register! As a subscriber you will receive a reminder with the telephone bridge number needed to join a few days prior to the seminar.
Can't attend? No problem. The recordings of all our programs are available free at www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com
FREE TRAINING:
Introduction to Relationship Coaching
Starts April 3rd
Learn how to coach singles, couples, and develop a successful Relationship Coaching practice, taught by RCI founder David Steele and his teaching staff.
Introduction to Relationship Coaching includes 3 one-hour tele-classes, Tuesdays, April 3, 10, and 17; 9:00am pacific/Noon eastern.
| Class #1 | How to Coach Singles | April 3 |
| Class #2 | How to Coach Couples | April 10 |
| Class #3 | How to Build a Successful Relationship Coaching Practice | April 17 |
Each class includes practical information and materials you can use immediately in your practice.
To register (it's free!) sign up here
Can't make our training dates/times? Each class is recorded for those unable to attend, and we also offer an ON-LINE VERSION
Please share with your colleagues!
Free Conscious Dating Tele-Seminar Series:
April Program
Thursday, April 5, 6:30pm pacific/9:30pm eastern
Conscious Internet Dating: Using Your Computer to Find Your Soul Mate
With Frankie Doiron and special guest, RCI coach Sandra Rohr
We have been asking singles to tell us their biggest challenges with Conscious Dating and we've received many questions about internet dating, so if you've ever wondered how to effectively scout, sort, screen and test to find your life partner on the internet, this program's for you. We've even lined up a guest expert to show you the ropes.
In this program you learn-
- 10 Tips for creating a winning profile
- How to avoid the top 5 pitfalls of internet dating
- How to be the ‘Chooser’ and eliminate feelings of rejection
- Important safety tips (for your profile and when meeting an online date)
- How to sort, screen and test internet dates
- And much more!
For your invitation to this seminar series click here
Free Conscious Mating Tele-Seminar Series:
On the fourth Wednesday of each month we conduct a free tele-seminar on the pre-commitment stage of relationship.
April Program
Wednesday, April 25, 5:30pm pacific/8:30pm eastern
Conscious Mating:
Should We Live Together?
With David Steele and Linda Marshall
When singles become couples the most common next step is moving in together. It is a common misconception that living together is a good way to test compatibility for marriage and minimize risk of divorce.
However-
Fact #1: The cohabitation rate has skyrocketed over 1200% since 1960
Fact #2: 80% of these relationships are doomed to failure
Fact #3: The divorce rate is higher for couples who cohabitate prior to marriage
While we don't judge cohabitation to be good or bad, it's a personal choice and people will do it anyway, our goal in this program is to provide you the information and strategies needed to make effective choices about when, and if, to enter a living together arrangement.
In this Tele-Seminar you will learn:
- The role of inertia and momentum in living together
- Top 7 myths of living together
- Top 7 reasons for living together
- Three types of cohabitators
- Guidelines for conscious cohabitation
No need to register! As a subscriber you will receive a reminder with the telephone bridge number needed to join a few days prior to the seminar.
Can't attend? No problem. The recordings of all our programs are available free at www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com
Feature Article:
The Single Most Important Relationship Skill
By David Steele
The single most important relationship skill is not communication, it's taking ownership.
Successful relationships require taking ownership of your "experience."
What is Your "Experience?"
Your "experience" is what happens inside your body and your mind in response to events. It is composed of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.
Your experience is involuntary, it just "happens." It's neither good or bad or right or wrong. Your experience is always OK and valid.
Your Thoughts
We spend a lot of time in our head listening to our thoughts. Sometimes thoughts just pop into our consciousness automatically, and sometimes we direct our thoughts with intentionality to solve a problem, express ourselves, make a decision, etc.
And some of our thoughts are judgments. A "judgment" is making a meaning or interpretation in response to an event (right, wrong, good, bad, theory, explanation, reasoning, logic, etc).
Facts vs. Judgments
You and a friend go for a walk. You say "It's a beautiful day."
Your friend responds "No, it sucks."
Your reaction is to be surprised. You can't imagine how anyone could experience such a warm, sunny day to "suck." Your impulse might be to argue with them- "Are you kidding? Look at that clear blue sky. It's a gorgeous day!"
This is a very small example of a huge dynamic that creates more relationship conflict than anything else you can imagine.
So let's take a look at this. You observe the following facts:
- The sky is blue
- The temperature is 76 degrees
- You are walking in a park
Facts are typically measureable events and can be observed through a video camera. If you poll 100 people about a fact, such as "Is the sky blue?" you will typically get almost unanimous agreement that it is blue (except from the color blind!). If you poll 100 people and ask "Is the sky pretty?", you are asking for an opinion or judgment and will typically get less than 100% agreement.
Your experience of the day is positive. You interpret the blue sky as "beautiful," the temperature as "perfect" and "comfortable," and your body "feels good" to get exercise by walking. These are meanings you've created from your experience of the facts or events.
Your friend's experience is negative. We don't know why yet, but there are many reasons why they might judge the day to "suck."
You Have a Choice
In the above example, you have a critically important choice to make in your response to your difference of opinion about the day-
Option 1: Focus on the difference (e.g. "Are you crazy? Look at that blue sky and tell me it's not a beautiful day!"
Option 2: Focus on curiousity, compassion (e.g. "What's going on for you?"
The unconscious knee-jerk response is often to focus on the difference in our experiences and judgments. This choice discounts and argues with any point of view that doesn't mirror ours and leads to conflict.
It requires a conscious choice to accept differences and not impose our own experience and judgments on others. To come from a place of curiosity about and compassion for a human being who we care about who thinks and feels differently from ourselves.
The Importance of Ownership
It is not someone else's fault that you are thinking or feeling something good, bad, or indifferent. It is coming completely from inside you.
The principle of ownership can be hard to grasp when our partner provides the trigger for how we feel and react, but the fact is that while our experience is involuntary, we do have complete choice over the meanings we create and the actions we take.
Behavior follows patterns. Nothing ever happens just once. If you don't strive to take complete ownership of your thoughts, feelings, and judgments, you will follow a pattern of blaming others, playing victim, and your life and relationships will suffer.
How to Take Ownership- A Four Step Paradigm
I have found that the easiest way to take ownership of your experience in a relationship is to keep in mind the triad of Facts, Judgments, and Feelings-
Facts- usually a measureable event ("the sky is blue")
Judgments- the meaning we make of the event ("the blue sky is pretty")
Feelings- our emotions and sensations (warm, cold, happy, sad, etc)
Oftentimes, what we human beings do, especially when we're upset or excited, is we make judgments about something and try to make that be the fact.
"You make me so angry."
"You're a jerk."
"I love you."
"War is hell."
"Ice cream is good."
These are all judgments you might feel so strongly about you believe them to be true. While they might be your personal truth at the time, they are not facts, no matter how strongly you believe them to be true.
It all starts with an event or stimulus. Something happens that gives us a certain experience.
Then, we react to our experience by making meaning of it and forming judgments.
Then, our judgments stimulate our emotions- mad, sad, glad, fear, shame.
And this all happens in the blink of an eye.
We can then react consciously or unconsciously. If we react unconsciously we will act out our feelings and judgments, whatever they are.
If we react consciously we will separate the facts from our feelings and judgments and then decide what meanings to make and actions to take. This begins by reviewing the facts in your head and making sure you're not mixing in judgments.
Step One: Review the facts
"OK, the sky is blue, we're walking in the park together, the temperature is about 76 degrees, I just said "It's a beautiful day" and my friend said "No, it sucks."
Step Two: Review your judgments
"Hmm, I believe it's a gorgeous day, walking here is wonderful, and I judge that my friend isn't getting it at all."
Step Three: Identify your feelings
"I'm glad it's such a beautiful day, sad that my friend is troubled and not enjoying it, frustrated and angry at their negativity."
Step Four: Make a conscious choice
Once you've separated the facts from your judgments and feelings you are in a much better position to decide what to think, feel, and how to react. Notice in the above example that the judgments and feelings are mixed, which is common. If you are conscious you can choose amongst the mix of judgments and feelings that you will embrace and act upon, and which you will discard or leave alone.
In the above example you might decide to focus upon your sadness that your friend is having a bad day and choose a compassionate response, and to discard your judgment that they aren't "getting it."
The Power of Taking Ownership
It is our nature to have lots of thoughts, judgments, and feelings; some that we want to identify with, and some that we don't. It is common to confuse judgments with facts because we believe them so strongly. It is common to confuse feelings with judgments as well (e.g. "I feel like you're so wrong about that!"). It is common to have conflicting reactions, such as "You're a jerk" and "I love you" at the same time. While our experience is involuntary and overwhelmingly strong and real for us at times, as conscious beings we can pick and choose our truth and what we say and do about it.
Therefore, we are responsible for what we feel, think, say, and do. There are no victims in the conscious adult world. Taking ownership gives us power over our choices and destiny, and thus is the key to a successful and happy life and relationship.
For more information on this subject I recommend listening to-
Conscious Mating: Finding Lasting Love by Experiencing Your Experience here
© 2007 Relationship Coaching Institute / All rights reserved.
Invitations
Invitation #1
Please share this newsletter with a colleague. There is a tremendous need for our services, and we need to work together. Relationship Coaching is in its infancy, and we must collaborate to build our market niche and position as a resource of wide appeal for anyone who wants a successful relationship.
Invitation #2
I invite you to listen to the following introductory recordings 24 hours a day at your convenience by visiting http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/audio/index.htm (some are available by telephone)
- Commitment: The Secret Ingredient to Relationship Happiness
- The Communication Map™
- Introduction to Relationship Coaching
- Conscious Dating for Relationship Success
- Conscious Mating: Is This the Right Relationship for Me?
- And more!
Invitation #3
I invite you to join our free Introduction to Relationship Coaching tele-training.
Invitation #4
To subscribe to this newsletter, our newsletter for SINGLES, our newsletter for COUPLES, or our GETTTING CLIENTS newsletter, visit
http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/forms/subscribe.htm
Invitation #5
To learn more about Relationship Coaching this article is a great place to start-
Relationship Coaching: New Hope for Singles and Couples
Invitation #6
To learn more about Relationship Coaching Institute check out-
RCI: More Than Relationship Coaching Training
How do you like our newsletter? Your feedback is welcome! Until next time....
Best regards,
David Steele, MA, LMFT
Relationship Coach
CEO and Founder of Relationship Coaching Institute
David@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org
http://www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.BuildingYourIdealPractice.com
http://www.PrivatePracticeMarketingPodcast.com
http://www.PrivatePracticeMagic.com
http://www.privatepracticemarketingonabudget.com
http://www.consciousrelationshipresources.com
http://www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com
http://www.ConsciousRelationshipArticles.com
http://www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com
http://www.ConsciousRelationshipSpeaker.com
http://www.ConsciousDating.com
http://www.ConsciousDating.org
http://www.ConsciousDatingSeminars.com
http://www.ConsciousDatingTeleClinic.com
http://www.consciousmating.com
http://www.consciousmating.org
http://www.PartnersInLife.org
http://www.DavidSteeleOnline.com
http://www.myspace.com/davidasteele
Telephone: 888.268.4074
For More Information
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Our Purpose
The purpose of this newsletter is to connect, support each other, inform, and build a strong community of coaches dedicated to helping people find fulfillment in their lives and relationships.
This monthly newsletter is written for the benefit of RCI Relationship Coaches, and is available to interested others. Feel free to share this with a colleague. Your submissions and feedback are welcome!
Our Mission
To provide the tools, information and support to help singles find the love of their life and the life that they love, and to help couples co-create fulfilling and lasting Life Partnerships.
Copyright Notice
This newsletter is copyrighted and all rights are reserved. Feel free to share with others as long as our contact information and authorship is included.
U.S. Library of Congress ISSN#:1530-3055
Links to Us
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Conscious Dating for Singles
Free audio programs, e-programs, and more!
www.ConsciousDating.org
Partners in Life for Couples
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www.PartnersInLife.org
Free Monthly Conscious Relationship Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com
Free Conscious Relationship Audio Programs
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com
Free Conscious Dating Tele-Seminar Series for Singles
www.ConsciousDatingSeminars.com
Free Conscious Dating Tele-Clinic for Singles
www.ConsciousDatingTeleclinic.com
Free Conscious Mating Tele-Seminar Series for Couples
www.ConsciousMatingSeminars.com
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