In this issue:

Editor- David Steele
Founder and CEO
Relationship Coaching Institute

Copyright 2005 by Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved. Feel free to share with others as long as our contact information and authorship is included. U.S. Library of Congress ISSN#1530-3055.

Conscious Dating:
Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World

Available for order NOW at www.ConsciousDating.com

New! Free!

Conscious Relationship
Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com

Conscious Relationship Podcast
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com

Conscious Relationship Article Bank
www.ConsciousRelationshipArticles.com

If you are receiving this from a friend and wish to subscribe, or are interested in our newsletters for Singles, Couples, or for Practice Building, visit http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/forms/subscribe.htm

To pass the word about us to a friend or colleague click here

Announcements

New Conscious Relationship Resources

We've just added an article bank to round out our free Conscious Relationship Programs-

Conscious Relationship Article Bank
Need an article? Find it here! Got an article? Post it here!
www.ConsciousRelationshipArticles.com

Conscious Relationship Tele-Seminar Series
Each month we strive to bring you the best relationship information from top experts!
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com

Conscious Relationship Podcast
Our live tele-seminars are recorded and available for future listening at your convenience!
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com

Find these and our other programs at
www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org

Top

Conscious Dating Book Now Available for Immediate Shipping

If you would like to be among the first to receive a copy of this book, order yours now at www.consciousdating.com or use this direct order link

FREE Audio CD with each book!
(available for a limited time while supplies last)

Great gift for a single friend or family member!

Top

FREE TELE-SEMINAR:  
You Don't Have to Take It Anymore!
December 8

Thursday December 8, 2005
5:30pm pacific/8:30pm eastern

You Don't Have to Take It Anymore!

Millions of people walk on eggshells, constantly second-guessing themselves, editing what they say, worrying if they did things okay, trying to be in a good mood, all to prevent criticism, cold shoulders, angry outbursts, or to keep from creating negative impressions. They lose their very sense of self and don't like the persons they've become.

Dr. Stosny, author of You Don't Have to Take It Anymore: How to Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One (Free Press, January 2006) will discuss:

• The dynamics and effects of walking on eggshells
• The harm to children
• The way out

No need to register! As a subscriber you will receive a reminder with the telephone bridge number needed to join a few days prior to the seminar.

Please share with your colleagues!

Top

FREE TRAINING:  
Introduction to Relationship Coaching
Starts December 6

Learn how to coach singles, couples, and develop a successful Relationship Coaching practice, taught by RCI founder David Steele and his teaching staff.

Introduction to Relationship Coaching includes 3 one-hour tele-classes, Tuesdays, December 6, 13, 20,, 2005; 9:00am pacific/Noon eastern.

Each class includes practical information and materials you can use immediately in your practice.

Can't make our training dates/times? Each class is recorded for those unable to attend, and we also offer an ON-LINE VERSION.

Please share with your colleagues! To register or for more information, visit http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/forms/freeteleclass.htm

Top

Relationship Coaching
Home Study Program

Now Available

111-page manual and 6-CD set recorded from live one-day Relationship Coaching workshops covering how to coach singles, pre-committed and committed couples.

Check it out here

Top

RCI Coach Conference Calls

Our conference calls are FREE to RCI Coaches, and are scheduled on the 1st and 3rd Tuesday of each month, 2:00 pm Pacific/ 5:00 pm Eastern.

The RCI Member Support Forum meets Wednesdays at 11:00 am pacific/ 2:00 pm Eastern. A reminder including the bridge # is sent prior to each call on our listserv.

Top

Feature Article:
Pre-commitment and Cohabitation

Today’s couples seem confused, and today’s relationship professionals seem confused about today’s couples.

Let me explain this statement.

In the August 2005 edition of this newsletter I summarized the National Marriage Project's The State of Our Unions: The Social Health of Marriage in America, 2005. Below are a few of the findings:

• Between 1960 and 2004 the number of unmarried couples in America increased by nearly 1200 percent

• The marriage rate continues to decline

• The cohabitation rate continues to increase, with a higher failure rate than marriage

• The divorce rate continues to be around 50 percent, though has declined a bit, most likely due to fewer marriages and more cohabitation

• An increasing percentage of teenagers state that they want to get married and that having a good marriage and family is important to them

As I wrote back in August, this research is disturbing because the trend is against having successful relationships. Our problems are getting worse, not better.

There is a widening gulf between:

• what people want (a successful committed relationship)…

• what they do (cohabitate)…

• and the results they get (relationship failure)

The confusion of couples seems pretty clear. They want a committed relationship but fear failure, so they live together as a first step to minimize risk. However, living together actually increases risk because (in my opinion) they are acting committed without having made a real commitment. Current research seems to indicate pretty strongly that commitment is what makes long-term relationships succeed.

OK, that seems pretty easy. Now for the challenging part.

In my opinion, many relationship professionals seem confused about how to handle the growing number of “not yet committed” (“pre-committed”) couples that seek their help. Most seem to approach these couples the same as committed couples, as I did some years ago.

But these couples are not the same as committed couples. They don’t have the “fact” of commitment, and more importantly, they don’t have the “attitude” of commitment. In my 20+ years of practice I have learned that when couples don’t have an alignment of “fact” and “attitude” their prognosis is extremely poor.

This year I conducted five one-day CEU workshops on Relationship Coaching for licensed mental health professionals. It was pretty cool to do these workshops live and in-person after so many years conducting trainings over the telephone. Participants of these workshops universally appreciated learning the distinction between “committed” and “pre-committed” (as distinct from “pre-marital,” which is a couple that have a committed mindset) and “fact” versus “attitude.” Once the differences were pointed out, they immediately “got it” and the challenges they have been experiencing with these couples started to make sense.

All over the U.S. and other parts of the world, singles become couples by dating and then moving in together as the next step in their relationship. What are they thinking?

• “Let’s see how this goes”
• “We should ‘test’ this relationship before considering marriage”
• “I’m (we’re) not ready for a committed relationship, so let’s just live together”

The above attitudes reflect ignorance of how relationships really work, and are self-sabotaging if their goal is a successful life partnership.

Three Levels of Consciousness

In my way of thinking, we have three primary levels of consciousness:

1. Unconscious (awake but unaware)
2. Semi-conscious (aware of what’s in front of you)
3. Conscious (aware of the big picture)

The unconscious pre-committed couple moves in together thinking “Let’s see how this goes” with the unexamined assumption that it is the logical next step.

The semi-conscious pre-committed couple moves in together believing “We should ‘test’ this relationship before considering marriage.” They really believe they are making a wise choice, but are misinformed and setting themselves up for failure.

The conscious pre-committed couple is asking themselves “Is this ‘The One?’ Should I make a commitment to this relationship?” They want to be successful and are not sure how, but at least they’re asking helpful questions rather than assuming they have the answers.

The Round Peg and Square Hole Relationship

Should we help all couples "make" their relationship work? If a pre-committed couple makes a less-than-conscious relationship choice and has an unsolvable problem related to an unmet requirement (e.g. one wants children and the other doesn't), then in my opinion there is not enough of a fit for long-term success, no matter how much they "love" each other and are attached to the relationship working. Our job needs to be to help them explore the reality of "what is" and make a conscious choice in alignment with who they are and what they want for their life and relationship.

Please note that I'm referring to pre-committed couples here. In my opinion, this is the time to evaluate your relationship choice. Once you're committed, the task is to make the entire package work.

I wish to clarify that I'm not "anti-cohabitation" or a zealot about marriage. I believe that in today's world we have many choices available to us and we should follow our own path. My goal is to help people find fulfillment in their life and relationships and I'm very pragmatic about how. My motto is "functioning first;" good choices are the ones that work, and poor choices are the ones that don't work.

What Can We Do?

As relationship professionals, what can we do to help pre-committed couples that seek our support when they are living together and experiencing problems?

Here are some thoughts:

1. Ask the status of their relationship to assess “fact” and “attitude.” Don’t just assume they are committed and help them “make” their relationship work.

2. Educate them about some of the research mentioned above and have a conversation about “commitment” vs. “pre-commitment.”

3. Educate them about “requirements” and “solvable vs. unsolvable” problems

4. Once “informed” and more conscious, ask them to clearly articulate their agenda and goals for working with you. Don’t assume it is to “make” their relationship work.

5. Use a structured approach to help them explore their individual and shared vision, requirements, needs, and wants, and make a conscious long-term relationship choice in alignment with who they are and what they want. It’s for this purpose that I designed our “Partners in Life” program for these couples and provide workbooks, manuals, and training on helping these couples in our “Level One” couples coaching training at Relationship Coaching Institute.

For More Information

For specific relationship coaching tools and strategies for working with singles, pre-committed and committed couples, check out our Relationship Coaching Home Study Program which includes a 111-page manual and 6-CD set recorded from the live workshops I conducted earlier this year.

Past newsletter articles on this topic-

State of Our Unions Report for 2005
What is Commitment?
Relationship Coaching: New Hope for Singles and Couples
Commitment: The Path to Relationship Happiness?
Benefits of Committed Relationships
Coaching Committed vs. Pre-committed Couples
Pre-commitment Coaching: Keeping Up With the Times

©2005 by David Steele

David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of the ground-breaking new book for singles Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World. www.ConsciousDating.com

Top

Invitations

Invitation #1
I invite you to share your announcements, wins, coaching or practice tips with the rest of us. Be visible! Let's connect!  Send them to me at David@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com

Invitation #2
I invite you to share this newsletter with a colleague.  There is a tremendous need for our services, and we need to work together. Relationship Coaching is in its infancy, and we must collaborate to build our market niche and position as a resource of wide appeal for anyone who wants a successful relationship.

To pass the word about us to a friend or colleague, please visit http://www.buildingyouridealpractice.com/tellafriend.html

Invitation #3
I invite you to listen to the following introductory recordings 24 hours a day at your convenience by visiting http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/audio/index.htm (some are available by telephone)

• Commitment: The Secret Ingredient to Relationship Happiness
• The Communication Map™
• Introduction to Relationship coaching
• All about RCI
• Practice Building Intensive (sample conference call)
• And more!

Invitation #4
I invite you to get the support you need to be successful in your practice. We are available for information, training, ideas, mentor coaching, etc.

Invitation #5
If you are a coach or therapist who received this from a colleague, I invite you to visit our web site and contact us at
http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/forms/contact.htm
for information on joining us and becoming a RCI Relationship Coach. Join our free "Introduction to Relationship Coaching teleclass series.

Invitation #6
To subscribe to this newsletter, our newsletter for SINGLES, our newsletter for COUPLES, or our PRACTICE BUILDING newsletter, visit
http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/forms/subscribe.htm

Invitation #7
For a description of RCI relationship coaching trainings, schedule, and enrollment info, select "Joining RCI" from the left menu at
http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

How do you like our newsletter? Your feedback is welcome!  Until next time....

Best regards,
David Steele, MA, LMFT
Relationship Coach
CEO and Founder of Relationship Coaching Institute
David@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org
http://www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.BuildingYourIdealPractice.com
http://www.ConsciousDating.com
http://www.ConsciousDating.org
http://www.PartnersInLife.org
http://www.DavidSteeleOnline.com
Telephone:  888.268.4074

Top

For More Information

For Past Issues of this Newsletter
http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/newsletter/archive.htm

Our Purpose
The purpose of this newsletter is to connect, support each other, inform, and build a strong community of coaches dedicated to helping people find fulfillment in their lives and relationships.

This monthly newsletter is written for the benefit of RCI Relationship Coaches, and is available to interested others. Feel free to share this with a colleague. Your submissions and feedback are welcome!

Our Mission
To provide the tools, information and support to help singles find the love of their life and the life that they love, and to help couples co-create fulfilling and lasting Life Partnerships.

Copyright Notice
This newsletter is copyrighted and all rights are reserved. Feel free to share with others as long as our contact information and authorship is included.
U.S. Library of Congress ISSN#:1530-3055

Links to Us

Relationship Coaching Institute
Free introductory training!
http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

BuildingYourIdealPractice.com
Free monthly tele-seminars!
http://www.buildingyouridealpractice.com

Conscious Dating for Singles
Free audio programs, e-programs, and more!
www.ConsciousDating.org

Partners in Life for Couples
Free audio programs, e-programs, and more!
www.PartnersInLife.org

Free Monthly Conscious Relationship Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com

Free Conscious Relationship Podcast
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com

Members of Relationship Coaching Network
Free resources for singles, couples and professionals
http://www.relationshipcoachingnetwork.org

Top