Relationship Coaching News
May 2005

In this issue:

1. Announcements
2. Welcome New RCI Coaches
3. Congrats
4. Feature Article: "Relationship Coaching - So What?"
5. Invitations

Announcements

1. Free Training Begins June 7th
2. Free Seminar May 4th- How to Supercharge Your Practice with Public Speaking
3. 8-Week Get Clients Full Practice Training starts May 4th
4. Free seminar June 1st- "Marketing With E-Programs"
5. Free "Miracle of Connection" audio programs
6. RCI Conference Calls

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1. FREE TRAINING BEGINS JUNE 7TH

Learn how to coach singles, couples, and develop a successful Relationship Coaching practice, taught by RCI founder David Steele and his teaching staff.

"Introduction to Relationship Coaching"- 3 one-hour

teleclasses, Tuesdays, April 5, 12, and 19, 2005;

9:00am pacific/Noon eastern.
-June 7: Class #1: How to Coach Singles

-June 14: Class #2: How to Coach Couples

-June 21: Class #3: How to Build a Successful Relationship

Coaching Practice
Each class includes practical information and materials you

can use immediately in your practice.
Please share with your colleagues! To register, visit

http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/forms/freeteleclass.htm <http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/forms/freeteleclass.htm>
Can't make our training dates/times? Each class is recorded

for those unable to attend, and we also offer an ON-LINE

VERSION.
For more info visit

http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/forms/freeteleclass.htm <http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/forms/freeteleclass.htm>
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2. FREE TELE-SEMINAR WEDNESDAY MAY 4th
"How to Supercharge Your Practice with Public Speaking"
with Tom Antion,

professional speaker, author, and Internet marketing expert
Giving public presentations is one of the fastest and best

ways to establish your credibility as an expert and attract

prospects for your practice.
This seminar will cover:
- How to create and market fantastic presentations

- How to get paid to speak on your expertise

- Simple tips and tricks that make you look like a pro

- How to double or triple the number of prospects and leads

any time you speak

- How to make more than your speaking fee in "back of the

room" sales
No need to register. This seminar is FREE for subscribers

of our free monthly practice-building newsletter GETTING

CLIENTS
To subscribe and receive your invitation to this seminar,

please visit http://www.buildingyouridealpractice.com <http://www.buildingyouridealpractice.com/>
Please share with your colleagues!
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3. EIGHT-WEEK FULL PRACTICE TRAINING STARTS MAY 4th
If you do not yet have a full practice, this program is for you!
You must survive before you can thrive. To survive in

private practice you must master the skills and strategies

for getting clients.
This 8-week program includes:
-Weekly one-hour teleclass, Wednesdays 3pm pacific/6pm

eastern
-Step-by-step assignments
-E-mail discussion list for support and feedback
-Supplemental audio recordings for missed classes, more info
-E-version of the "How to Get Clients Toolkit."
A past participant comments:
"Getting Clients is not as easy as it should be! This

program helped me learn the skills I needed to successfully

fill my practice, and provided invaluable support & guidance for implementing these skills in my business."

-- Tera McHugh, Life Coach, Castaic, CA
Please join us!
Wednesdays, May 4th – June 22nd

3:00pm pacific / 6:00pm eastern
For more information and to register, please visit

http://www.buildingyouridealpractice.com/fullpracticetraining.html <http://www.buildingyouridealpractice.com/fullpracticetraining.html>
(Members of RCI and BYIP register by e-mailing

Brenda@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com <mailto:Brenda@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com> )
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4. FREE TELE-SEMINAR WEDNESDAY JUNE 1st
"Marketing With E-Programs"
with David Steele, and Jeff Herring
Marketing with e-programs is a great way to establish

yourself as an expert, attract prospects for your practice,

and turn prospects into clients and customers.
This seminar will cover:
- How to create and market your own e-programs

- How to turn just about anything you have ever written into

an e-program

- How to find ideas for your e-program

- How to structure each day's email for your e-program

- The one thing you MUST NOT do when creating an e-program

- The one thing you MUST DO to make your e-program

profitable.

- How to over-deliver to your prospects

- How to keep prospects involved when the e-program is over

even if they have not become a client or customer YET
Both David Steele and Jeff Herring are experienced veterans

with using e-programs to attract prospects, clients and

profits. Let them show you how you can get in on this form

of "automatic marketing." Please join us!
No need to register. This seminar is FREE for subscribers

of our free monthly practice-building newsletter GETTING

CLIENTS
To subscribe and receive your invitation to this seminar,

please visit http://www.buildingyouridealpractice.com <http://www.buildingyouridealpractice.com/>
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5. FREE MIRACLE OF CONNECTION AUDIO PROGRAMS
I recently completed a seminar series called "The Miracle

of Connection" with Hedy Schleifer that is now available

by recording, FREE to our subscribers:
Program #1: Growing our Passion

Program #2: Embracing our Differences

Program #3: Achieving Fulfillment
To listen to the audio or download the MP3 files, simply

register at http://www.miracleofconnection.com <http://www.miracleofconnection.com/>
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6. RCI COACH CONFERENCE CALLS
~ May 3; Singles Coaching with Lynne Michelson

~ May 17; Couples Coaching with Linda Marshall

~ EVERY WEDNESDAY; RCI Member Support Tele-Forum

with David Steele
Our conference calls are FREE to RCI Coaches, and fall on

the 1st and 3rd Tuesday of each month, 2:00pm pacific/5pm

eastern. The RCI Member Support Forum meets Wednesdays at

11am pacific/2pm eastern. A reminder including the bridge #

is sent prior to each call on our listserv.

Welcome New RCI Coaches!

The following professionals recently joined our ranks:

Paige Armstrong, MSW, Glen Allen, VA
Shallie Bey, MBA, Arlington, TX
G. Michael Christensen, MS, El Dorado Hills, CA
Angela Georges, MSW, Indianapolis, IN
Marnie McNamara, Brentwood, TN
Molly Mistal, Ph.D., Plantation, FL
Cynthia Molina, LMT, Lake Oswego, OR
Catherine Vajda, Ph.D., Atlanta, GA
Peter Vajda, Ph.D., Atlanta, GA
Melodie Wade, MA, Huntsville, AL
Cassie Wiggs, New Albany, OH
Joanie Winberg, Lakeville, MA

THANK YOU for telling your colleagues about RCI!

Congrats to our latest certified relationship coaches:

CONGRATS TO: Jeff Herring of Tallahassee, FL who launched CONSCIOUSDATING-TALLAHASSEE on April 1st. Our first official “Conscious Dating-of-your-Territory-or-Niche licensee!

His launch started with a Singles Social at a local popularrestaurant in partnership with the number one radio stationin town, Magic 107.1. The station and Conscious DatingTallahassee have launched the "Magic Singles Club" on theMagic 107.1 website, which provides info on Conscious DatingTallahassee, and a member of one is also a member of theother. Jeff and Magic 107.1 have partnered with PremiereHealth and Fitness Club, an 8,000+ member club to both hostand market the seminars. A four way JV that equals awin-win-win-win-win!

Jeff writes:

“Here are the results of launching ConsciousDating Tallahassee:

Tallahassee has received 8 inches of rain in the last 2days, half of it right when this event was supposed tostart. It was a huge success for the radio station and forConsciousDating Tallahassee.

1. 76 prospects/charter members of ConsciousDating Tallahassee.
2. Passed out a hundred flyers with “Ten Principles of Conscious Dating” on one side and the homepage of the website on the other side
3. Had too many enrollment conversations to count
4. And I'm loving this - Sara of the morning radio team of Steve and Sara and I negotiated with the local premierehealth and fitness club, one of the largest health clubs inthe southeast, chock full of singles and couples, to holdour seminars at their facility for NO CHARGE!

And it was such a success for the radio station that they are going to do this on an ongoing basis.”

For more information about ConsciousDating Tallahassee visit- http://www.consciousdatingtallahassee.com/

CONGRATS TO: David Steele, who conducted his first in-person relationship coaching trainings this month and writes:

“Whew! As you may know, I traveled to Little Rock AR andIndianapolis, IN Wed-Fri to do back-to-back one-dayin-person relationship coaching trainings for CEU's forlicensed therapists. It was intense! I'm glad to be back.

These workshops are the first in-person workshops I've donesince I started RCI in 1998 when I did one locally anddecided it was too labor intensive and I should do this bytelephone.

Well, I enjoy teaching and schmoozing with my colleagues inperson, but between long hours traveling, rushing to andfrom airports and planes, and short hours of sleep becauseof traveling, attending to all the needed details AND doingthe workshops, it was 3 days of non-stop intensity and I wasexhausted when I got home late Friday night.

The workshops went well, and the material and Yours Trulywas well received. Comments and scores from the evaluationswas very good. Some folks commented "too long" and "toofast-paced," and one participant commented "David wasworking very hard!" to which I agree! I'll have to figureout how to cover the subject without overwhelming folks withinformation.

They LOVED the exercises. I got very positive comments onthe 111 page manual, the power point visuals andorganization of the materials to be very understandable.

I really enjoyed connecting with the therapists in theseworkshops. They really "got it" about coaching andrelationship coaching, and seemed very excited about usingwhat they learned in their practice. They asked greatquestions and were very engaged. They were really interestedin practice building tips as well, and appreciated the gemsI passed along while I was there. By the end of the daythough, we were all wiped out!

I recorded both of the workshops and will edit the audio to produce a CD set available with the manual on our website.

I will definitely do more of these, with some adjustments:

• Get shoes with more support! The salesman said theseshoes would be comfortable all day... my feet were hurtingsomething awful!
• Eliminate some more material. Put it in the manual, but don't cover it
• Forget the "working lunch," as participants really need to the time to recharge
• BOOK THESE WORKSHOPS ONLY IN MAJOR CITIES WITH A MAJOR AIRPORT! Rushing to catch planes, change planes, and limited availability of flights made this trip much more stressful than necessary.
• Book hotels close to the airport! Don't believe thehotel salespeople when they say their hotel is "only tenminutes from the airport" Perhaps that's true on a Sundaymorning, but all my trips were during rush hour biting mynails about getting to the airport in time to make my flight
• Get help! The Indy workshop was far easier thanLittle Rock, because Lynne Michelson was there to help out.(This was the first time we have met in person, AND it washer birthday!) Perhaps I'll book these in cities where RCIcoaches can come and help out as well!”

CONGRATS TO: Shona Partridge, Herts, UK, who was justelected to the Board of Directors for the U.K. InternationalCoach Federation (ICF)!
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Our coaches are certainly committed, talented, and makingthings happen! It is my honor to be part of this communitythat is making such a difference in the lives and relationships of others.

Have a win you would like to share? Any graduates from yourRCI coaching 'find the love of their life and the life thatthey love?' Please pass it on and we'll celebrate it!

What Is Commitment?

by David Steele

The question of when a relationship is committed is a sourceof much confusion and debate. We live in a time when themarriage rate is going down, the co-habitation rate is goingup, and the majority of first-born children are now born tounmarried parents.

In this article I hope to shed some light on this questionto facilitate your work with couples and individualschallenged by different perceptions of the status of theirrelationships.

COMMITMENT VS. PROMISE

I recently had a conversation with a woman who told me shehad just broken off a “committed” relationship. A fewquestions later I learned that she had been dating thisperson for a year, they were not living together, and thereason she broke it off is that he “cheated.”

We talked about pre-committed vs. committed relationships,and she agreed that it was a pre-committed relationship, butinsisted that they had made a “commitment” to each other.

OK, things are getting clearer. On the one hand is thestatus of the relationship- pre-committed vs. committed, andon the other hand are commitments made within therelationship. Macro vs. micro. Two different things, right?

In our conversation, it occurred to me to make a distinctionbetween a “Commitment” vs. a “Promise.” They made a promiseto each other within the context of a relationship that wasnot committed. That distinction seemed to help her make moresense of things.

When I asked the RCI coaches for feedback on the “commitmentvs. promise” distinction, most felt that it was just semantics and there is not much of a difference. The general consensus was that when you make a promise you are making a commitment.

Well, I agree that it is a question of semantics, and here is my definition of terms:

PROMISE: Verbally stated future intention to perform a specific act.
- I promise to pick up your dry cleaning and not forget this time
- I promise to be exclusive in our relationship

COMMITMENT: Both a FACT demonstrated by behavior, and an ATTITUDE consisting of thoughts and beliefs.
- I am committed to keeping my promises
- I am committed to our relationship

In short, a promise is something you say, and a commitmentis something you do. A promise is situation-specific. Acommitment is contextual.

A promise is a small commitment. If a potential partnerdoesn’t keep promises, I would question their ability tokeep commitments, as they are definitely related.

CONFUSION ABOUT COMMITMENT

Whether or not you agree with my semantics, the distinctionI made between a commitment and a promise was helpful forthe above conversation.

The larger picture though, is that I see a lot of confusionabout the status of today’s relationships. Some years agowhen I coined the term “pre-commitment” to describe couplesthat were exclusive but not yet committed, it was a helpfuldistinction, but the question remains- “What is commitment?”

When you are married, it is clear you are in a committedrelationship. Your commitment is a legal contract and a publicly witnessed FACT. However, it is common for couples in trouble for one or both partners to have an uncommitted ATTITUDE.

I have talked with many unmarried people, as the womanabove, who have described themselves in “committedrelationships.” They clearly have the attitude, but oftenhave nothing but verbal promises (and sometimes not eventhat!) to demonstrate that the relationship is committed.

IN MY OPINION, YOU ARE NOT IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP IF:

1. Your partner is not aware your relationship is committed
2. You are wondering if this relationship is committed
3. You and your partner have differences of opinion about the status of your relationship
4. Your family and friends have different perceptions about the status of your relationship
5. You and your partner have not acted to explicitly formalize your commitment in some way
6. You are relying on verbal promises without a significant track record of them being kept

A commitment is explicit and unambiguous. A commitment is a formal event of some kind between two people. A commitment is something you DO over time. A real commitment is usually legally enforceable and there are consequences for breaking it.

And, for a relationship to be truly committed, there are noexits- mentally, emotionally, or physically. When the goinggets rough, you make it work.

CONTINUUM OF COMMITMENT

Commitment is not a light switch that goes from “off” to“on.” When building a relationship with someone, the levelof commitment gradually increases.

Then you have all the shades of gray… living together,dating exclusively for more than a year, even engaged to bemarried, that might look and feel like commitment, but is itreally?

FACT VS. ATTITUDE

Commitment in a relationship is complicated in that it takestwo people, and it requires an alignment of FACT (events,actions) and ATTITUDE (thoughts, beliefs) for both of them.

It is common to be committed in fact (e.g. “married”) butnot in attitude (e.g. “I’m not sure this is the rightrelationship for me”).

It is also common to be pre-committed in fact (e.g. datingexclusively) and committed in attitude (e.g. “This is ‘TheOne!’ ”).

In my work with couples I have found that the most importantvariable determining their future success is their level ofcommitment to the relationship.

In my experience, when couples are committed in fact, butnot in attitude, their prognosis is poor.

Then, there are the pre-committed couples that generallyfall into two categories-

UNCONSCIOUS- typically following the “mini-marriage” modelof trying the relationship out, acting committed withoutactually making the commitment. A disconnect of fact andattitude.

CONSCIOUS- aware that they are not yet committed, usuallyhave commitment as a goal, asking themselves “Is this theright relationship for me? Should I make a commitment?” Analignment of fact and attitude.

CONCLUSION

So, when is a relationship committed?
-- When there is an alignment of fact and attitude.

What creates the “fact” of commitment?

I propose these three criterion:

• CRITERIA #1: Promises made to each other about the permanentnature of the relationship that are kept
• CRITERIA #2: Explicit, formal, public declaration
• CRITERIA #3: Unambiguous to partners and others

In today’s world, if all three of the above are met, I wouldsay it is a committed relationship, whether legally marriedor not.

I sincerely hope this article helps address the common questions about commitment that arise in relationshipcoaching. There are no pat answers or prescriptions, but itis my hope that these ideas and concepts will help you haveproductive conversations with your clients that are caughtin the gray areas to support them to make effectiverelationship choices.

©2005 by Relationship Coaching Institute / All rights reserved

Invitations:

• I invite you to share your announcements, wins, coaching or practice tips with the rest of us. Be visible! Let's connect! Send them to me at
• I invite you to share this newsletter with a colleague. There is a tremendous need for our services, and we need to work together. Relationship Coaching is in its infancy, and we must collaborate to build our market niche and position as a resource of wide appeal for anyone who wants a successful relationship. To pass the word about us to a friend or colleague, please visit http://www.buildingyouridealpractice.com/tellafriend.html
• I invite you to join our on-line community of helping professionals.
• I invite you to listen to the following introductory recordings 24 hours a day at your convenience online. (some are also available by telephone):
  • Introduction to Relationship Coaching
  • Finding The Love Of Your Life AND The Life That You Love
  • Conscious Dating For Relationship Success
  • All About RCI
  • Practice Building Intensive (sample conference call)
  • Radical Thoughts on Converting Prospects to Clients
  • How To Design Compelling Marketing Strategies That Attracts Clients
  • And more!
• I invite you to get the support you need to be successful in your practice. We are available for information, training, ideas, mentor coaching, etc.
• If you are a coach or therapist who received this from a colleague, I invite you to visit our web site and contact us for information on joining us and becoming a RelationshipCoachingInstitute Relationship Coach. Ask about getting a free copy of our introductory audiotape, and about our free teleclasses.
• To subscribe to this newsletter, our newsletter for SINGLES, or our newsletter for COUPLES, or our PRACTICE BUILDING newsletter, see this page.
• For a description of RCI relationship coaching trainings, schedule, and enrollment info, visit http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

How do you like our newsletter? Your feedback is welcome! Until next time....

Best regards,
David Steele, MA, LMFT
Relationship Coach
CEO and Founder of Relationship Coaching Institute

www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org
www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.BuildingYourIdealPractice.com
www.ConsciousDating.com
www.ConsciousDating.org
www.PartnersInLife.org
www.David.Steele.name
888-268-4074

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The purpose of this newsletter is to connect, support each other, inform, and build a strong community of coaches dedicated to helping people find fulfillment in their lives and relationships.

This monthly newsletter is written for the benefit of RCI Relationship Coaches, and is available to interested others. Feel free to share this with a colleague. Your submissions and feedback are welcome!

Our Mission: To provide the tools, information and support to help singles find the love of their life and the life that they love, and to help couples co-create fulfilling and lasting Life Partnerships.

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