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-------------------------------------------------------------------------- Exclusive for Coach U students and grads! Learn how to coach "Introduction to Relationship Coaching"- November 4: Class #1: How to Coach Singles Each class includes practical information and materials you can use immediately in your practice. Please share with your colleagues! To register, visit ***Our next free introductory training for all other interested professionals is December 2, 9, and 16. To register visit Can't make our training dates/times? Each class is recorded
for those unable to attend, and we also offer an ON-LINE
VERSION. For more info visit --------------------------------------------------------------- Learn how to network to generate referrals that will fill your practice! Want to attract clients galore? It all begins with who you know! Networking is one of the most overused terms and underutilized forms of marketing around today. Mastering its techniques is key to building a strong and vital practice, yet few professionals truly understand its power and far fewer know how to do it well. This tele-seminar will discuss: . What networking is and what it is not Wednesday November 5th; 9am pacific/Noon eastern. Presenter: Leni Chauvin, author of "Mingle and Make Money: 101 No need to register. Details are published each month in YOUR PINNACLE PRACTICE newsletter and on their website at http://www.buildingyouridealpractice.com For more info and to subscribe to their newsletter, visit http://www.BuildingYourIdealPractice.com/freeseminar.html Next Month's Program: ANSWERING YOUR CALL with special guest John Please share with your colleagues! --------------------------------------------------------------- NEW book by Paul and Layne Cutright! "YOU'RE NEVER UPSET FOR THE REASON YOU THINK." Learn the Secret to Eliminating Forever the #1 Destroyer of Your Most Important Relationships. If you are ready to rid your life of hurt feelings, blame, anger, upsets, arguments and misunderstandings . . . then get ready to learn a profound secret that will change your life and relationships forever. In this practical step-by-step program, Paul and Layne show you exactly how you can uncover the real cause of any problem or upset, stop the pain and halt the slide toward more upset and disappointment, every single time. The result: joyful, close and fulfilling relationships that are no longer poisoned by bad feelings, hurt, anger, and the inevitable "distance" that follows. This book will reveal to you the newest and most powerful conflict resolution tool ever created - and the last you will ever need. You will learn a simple, easy to learn, step-by-step proprietary method to neutralize, clarify, and resolve any upset you may encounter . . . with lovers, business partners, co-workers, family members, children and any other relationship that is important to you . . . even unsettling news you see on the television or other experiences you have in life . . . absolutely anything at all that upsets you in any way. You will not find this knowledge or these tools any place else. $19.95 AND includes a 100% money-back guarantee: http://QuickPayPro.com/x/qpp.cgi?adminid=1970&id=32740&pid=11946 --------------------------------------------------------------- The annual conference of the International Coach Federation is November 13-15 in Denver. Our Admissions Director Colleen DeCew will be representing RCI, and our Director of Practice Development Ken Donaldson will assist her while representing www.BuildingYourIdealPractice.com. Knowing those two, they will be having a lot of fun together. If you're going, please stop by our Gold Booth. This is THE premier conference for professional coaches, and if you aren't an ICF member and not going this year, we highly recommend joining and going next year. For more info visit http://www.coachfederation.org. ---------------------------------------------------------------- ~ November 4; Singles Coaching with Laurie Cameron Our conference calls are FREE to RCI Coaches, and fall on the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Tuesday of each month, 2:00pm pacific/5pm eastern. The RCI Member Support Forum meets Mondays at 3pm eastern. Congrats!CONGRATS TO Laura Dippel (Denison, TX) who writes:
CONGRATS TO Lynne Michelson (St. Louis, MO) who writes:
CONGRATS TO Laurie Cameron (Denver, CO) who writes:
CONGRATS TO Yvonne Chase (Brooklyn, NY ) who writes:
--------------------------------------------------------- Our coaches are certainly committed, talented, and making things happen! It is my honor to be part of this community that is making such a difference in the lives and relationships of others. Have a win you would like to share? Any graduates from your RCI coaching 'find the love of their life and the life that they love?' Please pass it on and we'll celebrate it! Feature ArticleCommitment: The Path To Relationship Happiness? I recently realized that in more than 25 years as a counselor, therapist, and coach, I have never been able to help anyone who wasn't committed to what they wanted. Having a strong rescuer/hero complex, for many years I tried for a 100% success rate helping couples save their marriages, taking personal responsibility for the outcome. Whenever the desired results didn't happen, I blamed my skills and methods and sought more training and techniques, and never achieved more than a 50% success rate. I felt relieved when I discovered that other helping professionals did no better. Thinking of all the couples I tried to help, the biggest difference between those that succeeded and those that didn't, appeared to be- commitment. "COMMITMENT COACHING?" Discovering the pivotal role of commitment, I now seek to address level of commitment first and foremost with my clients, going so far as to say that I can't help them unless they are committed. So far, I have not had any luck helping people become more committed than they are. I'll let you know if I figure out the secrets of "Commitment Coaching." Until then, I will assume their level of commitment determines their outcome. We seem to live in a society that values immediate gratification and happiness, and devalues commitment and sacrifice. Cohabiting couples want to be happy first, then they'll commit. No wonder the failure rate of cohabiting couples is much higher than committed couples, as well as couples that cohabit prior to marriage. WHAT IS COMMITMENT? Commitment is both a FACT demonstrated by behavior, and an ATTITUDE consisting of thoughts and beliefs. Saying vows and exchanging rings in front of witnesses establishes the fact of commitment, as does the behavior of staying in an unhappy relationship no matter what. A committed attitude involves thoughts and beliefs to stay in the relationship under all circumstances. What people say and do is typically preceded by their attitude, but not always. It is common to have a difference between fact and attitude, for example, the married person who wonders "Is this relationship right for me? Do I want to stay?" As long as they stay in the relationship, they are committed in fact, if not attitude. Behavioral choices can be interpreted to reflect the core underlying commitment, regardless of what people say. While both are important, if there is a difference, it is probably more effective to focus on what someone does more than their attitude and what they say. You can change actions and behavior much more easily than beliefs and thoughts, and "acting as-if" is a well-established technique for changing attitudes. In my view, making a commitment to a relationship is a serious and irreversible choice, not to be taken lightly or entered into quickly, because you can never go back to the way your life was before. When you are single and dating is your opportunity to explore possibilities. When you enter a pre-committed relationship is your chance to fully compare your requirements with the reality. Ideally, you make a commitment with full consciousness and clarity that this is what you want, accepting all challenges and obstacles as part of the package. PATH TO HAPPINESS PAVED WITH COMMITMENT? I have found compelling evidence that the path to long-term relationship happiness requires commitment in the results of a study by Linda Waite, author of "The Case for Marriage," who found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. She coined the term "Marital Endurance Ethic;" stating that "marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems, but because they stubbornly outlasted them." This is astounding. All by itself, the act of commitment appears to be more effective than counseling, therapy, workshops, self-help books, and even relationship coaching, in overcoming problems and creating a happy long-term relationship. ATTITUDE, BEHAVIOR AND RESPONSIBILITY Couples come to counseling and coaching wanting to be happy together. Chances are, they'll be happy if they just stick it out long enough, they don't need me for that. If they wish to proactively co-create their happiness together, as I mentioned at the beginning of this article, I've discovered they both must be committed and be willing to accept personal responsibility. In working with couples I now inform them of this, and seek to immediately learn their level of commitment, their ability to accept responsibility, their attitudes toward commitment, and whether there is a difference between fact and attitude. If the"fact" is that they are in a committed relationship (e.g. married), yet their "attitude" is less than committed (e.g. "I'm not sure this is the right relationship for me" or "It's his/her fault, I'll change when s/he changes."), that is where the work must begin. It is understandable that their unhappiness might cause couples to question their relationship, however, I share with them that I have learned that the path to happiness starts with commitment and personal responsibility. I explain that if they need results before commitment then we can't work together, as I would be doing them a disservice by wasting their time and mine, and chances are that if they do nothing other than stick it out, they'll end up happy. Commitment is a fact simply demonstrated by the act of staying in a relationship. While "attitude precedes outcome" is true, it is also true that "all behavior is purposeful," meaning that what someone does is a better measure of the future than what they say. We can clear up a lot of confusion and "what ifs" ("What if there is an affair?" "What if they won't go to counseling?" "What if my needs aren't met?") by focusing on the "fact" of commitment as demonstrated by both partners staying in the relationship no matter what, since now, thanks to Linda Waite's research, we know that if they do so, the odds are that it will work out. SHOULD COMMITMENT BE UNBREAKABLE? When entering a committed relationship, the great majority of us do so with the full intention of being together for life. Ideally, breaking that commitment shouldn't be easy or quick. In my opinion, unhappiness is not a valid reason to break a commitment; it is simply an indication that there is work to be done. If, most of the time but not all the time, commitment is the path to relationship happiness, how do we decide whether to stick it out or not? How do we know that our misery will eventually lead to happiness or not? We can't really know. Since we can't really know the prognosis of an unhappy relationship, perhaps the following questions might help:
RESEARCH RESULTS ON COMMITMENT AND HAPPINESS Excerpted from "Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages" By Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley:
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© 2003 by David Steele / All right reserved / Invitations:
How do you like our newsletter? Your feedback is welcome! Until next time.... Best regards, PAST ISSUES OF THIS NEWSLETTER CAN BE FOUND HERE The purpose of this newsletter is to connect, support each other, inform, and build a strong community of coaches dedicated to helping people find fulfillment in their lives and relationships. This monthly newsletter is written for the benefit of RCI Relationship Coaches, and is available to interested others. Feel free to share this with a colleague. Your submissions and feedback are welcome! Our Mission: To provide the tools, information and support to help singles find the love of their life and the life that they love, and to help couples co-create fulfilling and lasting Life Partnerships. Copyright notice: This newsletter is copyrighted and all rights are reserved. Feel free to share with others as long as our contact information and authorship is included. U.S. Library of Congress ISSN#:1530-3055 To subscribe to our newsletters, visit here. |
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