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Archived Newsletter Articles | Current In this issue:
1. ON-LINE PRACTICE BUILDING INTENSIVE 2. FREE INTRODUCTORY TRAINING 3. ATTRACTION COACHING TRAINING with David Steele; Four Thursdays, Oct
4, 11, 18, and 25; 10am pacific, 1pm eastern. This training is for RCI
Coaches who have completed the RESTS training and are ready to learn how
to coach singles to be successful in "finding the love of your life
and the life that you love." This training is included in the Singles
Coaching Program. To register contact <!-- #BeginLibraryItem "/Library/mailto_Brenda.lbi" -->
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Brenda<del class="hide">DELETETHIS</del>@RelationshipCoachInginstitute<del class="hide">DELETETHIS</del>.com
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<!-- #EndLibraryItem --> 4. FALL COUPLES COACHING TRAININGS ~LEVEL I: Coaching Pre-committed and Pre-marital couples using the PARTNERS IN LIFE Program. 8 Fridays starting Sept. 7; 11am pacific/2pm eastern. ~LEVEL II: Advanced tools and skills for coaching committed couples through
the Bliss stage of relationship coaching. ~TAYLOR-JOHNSON TEMPERAMENT ANALYSIS 5. RCI WORKBOOKS NOW AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOADING Use your affiliate code
to refer your singles (RESTS) or couples (PIL) to our web site and when
they purchase their workbook as a download, you earn 50% of each sale!
Also, RCI Coaches are eligible for unlimited downloads under our new system.
------------------------------------------------------------ 7. STORIES WANTED 8. WELCOME NEW RCI STAFF! ~Jana Collar, Co-Director of Marketing/Enrollment Jana is in CT, Colleen is in CO. Both are successful RCI Coaches who
will be working with Bob to expand RCI to the professionals and the public. The following coaches joined our ranks this past month: Judith Anderson, M.S., Sterling Heights, MI THANK YOU to: Many of our new coaches come to RCI by word of mouth; we appreciate your confidence in us by telling your colleagues! CONGRATS TO our newest Master RCI Coach Louise Hutner (Princeton, NJ) CONGRATS TO our newest Certified RCI Coach Julie Zaoui (Brighton-Le Sands, Australia) CONGRATS TO Marcia Ellis (Norwalk, CT) who completed her RESTS training
and writes: CONGRATS TO Wendy Slotton (San Anselmo, CA) who writes: "I just completed my first solo RESTS class. They all said they
CONGRATS TO Johanna Nauraine (Chicago, IL) for launching TELAVENTURE, a provider of teleclasses. Check out http://www.telaventure.com CONGRATS TO Roz Van Meter (Dallas, TX) who writes: "Check out my new site at http://SexualityCoach.com. After searching for my niche for four years, I finally found it in my own office. (There's a moral there somewhere.) I may be the only person in the world who is both an ICF professional certified coach and an AASECT certified sex therapist. If that isn't a niche, I don't know what is! CONGRATS TO Elyse Killoran (Hauppauge, NY) for launching her new web site at http://www.spiritualpartneringcom Beautiful site, very compelling. I especially enjoyed reading 'My Path- Elyse Shares Her Story.' Great job Elyse! CONGRATS TO Carole Kunkle-Miller (Pittsburgh, PA), who, among her many
hats is personal coach for the Milwaukee Bucks basketball team, and just
got hired to be the personal coach for the PITTSBURGH STEELERS! (um…
football, right? :-) ) Our coaches are certainly committed, talented, and making things happen! It is my honor to be part of this community that is making such a difference in the lives and relationships of others. Have a win you would like to share? Any graduates from your RCI coaching "find the love of their life and the life that they love?" Please pass it on and we'll celebrate it! September 2001 One of our coaches recently raised the question of the difference between "Needs" and "Neediness" in relationships. Juxtaposing these two concepts gives some valuable clues about creating successful relationships. Here is what comes up for me: NEEDS: NEEDINESS: Quite a contrast! Needs are present in all of us, and are not a problem or sign of weakness. We need to sleep and eat, we need light to see, we need love and relationships. Our ability to identify our needs and get them met determines our level of happiness and success. Neediness tends to be a sieve that will be empty regardless of how much you put into it. In our coaching programs we help our clients identify Requirements, Functional and Emotional needs, and coach them to get them met in their life and relationships. Requirements are core, basic needs that are often relationship-breakers if unmet, such as monogamy, having children, etc. Needs are events that must happen for you to survive and thrive. Functional Needs are the events you need to happen for your life and relationship to function optimally, such as earning money to pay bills, helping with chores and child-rearing, etc. Emotional Needs are what you need to feel loved, such as your partner calling if they will be late, being greeted with a hug, etc. Occasionally, a client will express an issue with identifying their needs or requirements, interpreting doing so as a sign of weakness, pointing out the need for us to take responsibility for our needs and not rely on a partner to meet them. While I agree with the value of taking responsibility for our needs, the reality is that we need a partner able to meet them, and the relationship may fail if there is not enough alignment/compatibility to meet each other's needs and/or requirements. The next time this comes up in your practice, consider sharing this article! SCREENING FOR COACHABILITY A common question of our coaches is "How do you know when an individual or couple needs therapy instead of coaching?" Since coaching, and particularly Relationship Coaching, is in it's infancy, it is not my intention or ability in writing this article to present comprehensive guidelines on this topic, but I will share what I have learned so far. Most coach training programs teach; "When in doubt, refer it out."
This is a good guideline, however the issue can be more complex when: SCREENING FOR COACHABILITY WITH INDIVIDUALS This may be a radical concept, but I believe that coaching, by itself, is harmless. How can it damage a client to help them set goals and close the gap between where they are and where they want to be? In my opinion, there are two ways a coach can harm a client: 1. Unskilled Coaching; giving advice, imposing judgment, prescribing
interventions, doing therapy while calling it coaching, mixing coaching
and therapy, and other activities that, actually, are NOT coaching. For clarification about what is, and is not "Coaching" please
see: In coaching we help functional people raise their level of functioning. Most clients that need therapy are also functional enough to benefit from coaching, and in many cases it would be beneficial to do both. In addition, coaching can be therapeutic! Being a therapist as well as a coach, I strongly believe in the benefits of therapy, but don't believe in imposing therapy on unwilling clients. SUGGESTIONS: 1. Pick and choose your clients; let's be honest- chances are you would
most likely encounter this question if you are considering taking on a
client to pay the bills in spite of red flags, not because you really
wanted to work with them. Accept the clients you want to work with, and
refer the others to an appropriate resource. SCREENING FOR COACHABILITY WITH COUPLES Much of the above applies to couples, with the added complexity of relationship issues and dynamics, usually manifested in their conflicts. "Communication", or "conflict" is the presenting problem of the vast majority of couples seeking relationship help. These couples are sometimes attracted to coaching as a non-stigmatizing alternative to therapy. In itself, conflict doesn't mean the couple needs therapy and is not
appropriate for coaching. I suggest screening for the following: As a Relationship Coach, my goal is to work with functional couples. As a therapist, I worked for many years with dysfunctional couples in crisis, and realized that if they wait until the relationship is broken to put effort into making it work, it is often too late. My ideal couple is a new couple who wants to be pro-active, conscious and intentional in building a great relationship. In spite of who you want to attract, couples will continue to seek support when they are in trouble, and if you screen for the above, the fact that they are experiencing difficulty does not mean they are not coachable. One method I have used successfully to screen for coachability with couples I was unsure about is to invite them to meet, do an intake, and if their conflict and communication is an issue (it almost always is!), to immediately teach them the Communication Map. Then, I would set up a follow up appointment, and coachable couples would return and report good, sometimes miraculous progress, while couples not ready for coaching would either not return, or if they did they would report no progress. This is an example of "reverse diagnosis" as described above. Here is a game I play with myself that you can try- listen to their initial voice-mail message, and if you hear high stress, desperation, and/or depression in their voice, they usually are not coachable and need therapy. If you hear functionality, that will usually be present when you follow up with them. This may be partly intuitive, but we tend to be good listeners, and I bet you will be able to pick up the cues of one or the other. If you are a coach, or a therapist who prefers coaching (like myself), and from the message or your initial telephone screening, the situation seems more likely to need therapy, you can pass the inquiry to a colleague who is a therapist. If you meet with a couple and you judge that they need therapy, you can refer them to your colleague, and/or contract with the couple to work with them only if they are in therapy. I hope this has been helpful! I'm sure there is much that I have missed, so please consider this an unfinished topic with more to learn that will be shared in future articles.
How do you like our newsletter? How do you like our newsletter? FOR PAST ISSUES OF THIS NEWSLETTER GO TO: The purpose of this newsletter is to connect, support each other, inform, and build a strong community of coaches dedicated to helping people find fulfillment in their lives and relationships. This monthly newsletter is written for the benefit of RelationshipCoachingInstitute Relationship Coaches, and is available to interested others. Feel free to share this with a colleague. Your submissions and feedback are welcome! Our Mission: To provide the tools, information and support to help singles find the love of their life and the life that they love, and to help couples co-create fulfilling and lasting Life Partnerships. Copyright notice: This newsletter is copyrighted and all rights are reserved. Feel free to share with others as long as our contact information and authorship is included. U.S. Library of Congress ISSN#:1530-3055 |
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