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Relationship Coaching News
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Archived Newsletter Articles | Current In this issue: 1. NEW AUDIOTAPE NOW AVAILABLE; "Introduction To Relationship Coaching For Singles". I pushed to get this out in time for the SmartMarriages Conference this month. This tape will be our primary tool for informing helping professionals about coaching, relationship coaching, and coaching singles. VERY informative! We will be distributing copies to helping professionals upon request, let us know if you have a colleague that might be interested! 2. "MASTER RCI COACH" CERTIFICATION; 10 of our coaches are now in training to become "Master RCI Coaches". This is part of a new system of levels of relationship coaching certification that we will be providing. More next month. 3. SUMMER COUPLES COACHING TRAINING STARTS THIS MONTH; Most likely Tuesdays, 10:00am pacific, 1:00pm eastern. This 12 week training is for RCI Coaches who wish to use our tools and methods with couples, and includes training in use of the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis with singles, pre-committed couples, and committed couples. If you wish to join, please let us know quickly! 4. MASTER MIND GROUPS ARE GOING GANGBUSTERS! I am so impressed with what these groups and the participating coaches are accomplishing! Great work!! Special thanks to Laurie Cameron for training and supporting each group. Laurie writes: "I have been thrilled to be able to mentor the Master Mind groups for David, and I recently realized what a gift it has been to have the opportunity to get to know so many of you and to see the larger picture of our RCI coaching community. What I have seen is a fabulous group of coaches who are very spiritual, energetic, motivated, pro-active, creative, dedicated, and a TON OF FUN!!!" Now you know why I like my job so much! ;-) 5. PRACTICE DEVELOPMENT GROUP for RCI Coaches meets Tuesday June 13th, 9:00am pacific, Noon eastern. This month, by request, we will follow up last month's meeting about marketing your practice through singles events, highlighting our Friday Night Social that fills our classes and coaching teams in Silicon Valley. Last month's meeting was incredibly rich with tips and ideas that came from hard-earned experience- luckily, I taped it! If you missed it, you can listen to the audio-podium recording at 212-461- 2568. If you are not yet an RCI Coach, you are welcome to listen as our gift to you. 6. ATTRACTION STAGE FOCUS GROUP meets Tuesday June 6th and 20th, 9:00am pacific, Noon eastern. This free group is for RCI Coaches that wish to focus on the next stage for our clients after they complete the RESTS Readiness program. By request, on the 6th I will be teaching "The Communication Map", a very easy and effective tool you can teach your clients to help them communicate and resolve conflict effectively. On the 20th, I have asked Dr. Ron Steriti, NMD, PhD, a Naturopathic Doctor who coaches his clients by telephone, to present to us. I am so impressed with Dr. Ron, having consulted with him myself, I consider him to be a great resource for our clients (and coaches!) who would like solid natural health and wellness advice and coaching to achieve our physical goals while we are working towards our relationship goals. 7. JOIN US AT THE SMARTMARRIAGES CONFERENCE in Denver June 29-July 2nd. I consider this THE conference for Relationship Coaches until we have our own! We would LOVE to have a strong showing of RelationshipCoachingInstitute Coaches flaunting our buttons: "Smart Marriages Start With Smart Singles" and wearing our polo shirts. For conference info check out http://www.smartmarriages.com. Please plan on joining us!! 8. RCI WEB SITE UPDATE; We now have two RCI logos for downloading onto your web site; one for RCI Coaches, and one for networking partners that wish to exchange links. If you are interested, let me know and I will send you the URL. Also, check out the newest Professional Profiles of our coaches at www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com/coach/indexc.htm. 9. NEW NETWORKING GROUP; I am involved with the "New Millennium Practitioner's Network" ("PracticeNet" for short), which meets by telephone every Wednesday at 9:00am pacific, noon eastern. We alternate between "formal" meetings with presentations and an agenda, and "informal" where you just show up. To join, send an e-mail to PracticeNet- subscribe@egroups.com. Check it out, that's where I met Dr. Ron! CONGRATS to Alice Carlton (NC) who writes: "Thanks for the encouragement and ongoing support. I have two presentations scheduled for late August, one at Duke's Teery House (health education center) and one at the Chapel Hill Women's Center. I will see if I can get one done at SAS Institute in Cary as well. I really want to do the Friday Night Social idea every other week. I have my four friends lined up to do my trial run of the RESTS class starting later this month. I'm excited!" CONGRATS to Ron DeVrou (DC), who writes: "I've been successful in getting the tapes out and am planning a mailing to all the Metropolitan Community Churches (my denomination) on the East Coast first and then those around the country. Also have a face to face workshop planned for June at my local church. I've =been in contact with two therapists who are offering an Imago based program and they seem interested in talking about the "Friday Night Social' idea. Will contact tomorrow another therapist who's offering "Social Anxiety" workshops which would be another partner in developing the socials.I do believe that 'attention energizes' and that 'energy grows where attention flows'. RCI is where I'm putting my energy." CONGRATS to Teresa and Ralph Smith, Carolyn Suppa, and Rozanna Bracken (WV), who write: "Our 8 week RESTS teleclass started May 2 - June 20, every Tues 6-7 P.M. EDT. Rozanna and I are giving it. On Wed. I'm taping a TV show on "Dating Traps" with Carolyn and Rozanna. Ralph is giving a talk for a group of 200 singles at "SpeakEasy" I can't attend because their meeting is on the evening of my teleclass." CONGRATS to Barry North (WA), who writes: "Here's a story from one of my RCI students in my Monday evening class. After the first class, he was telling a work colleague about what he was learning in the class. Of course at that point we hadn't even gotten to requirements, but he was able to explain the concepts. The next day his co-worker shared that she had gone home that evening and called her boyfriend to call off their relationship and thanked my student for the clarity he had provided for her. If it weren't for the fact that she's moving to New York I'd sign her up for my next workshop. To me this is a great example of how far-reaching RelationshipCoachingInstitute is in its effects, some that we may not know about. We can all be proud of the work we do." CONGRATS to David Bentley (WA) who writes: "Last week I sent out a letter to members of the local therapy community suggesting the need for a Friday Night Social in our community of 6,000 residents. This week I am beginning to hear back from the recipients of the letter. They all agree with the need, and those who are not ready to participate say that is is only because of other commitments. So it looks like David Steele's "Build it and they will come" theory is right on the mark. Furthermore, I had someone walk up to me on the street today and inquire about the Friday Night Socials because at his therapy session this afternoon his therapist read my letter to him and suggested that it would be a good place for him to hang out on Friday nights. You can't ask for more support than that! So, I guess I'd better start investigating where we are going to holdour social. It looks like a foregone conclusion that we will have one. CONGRATS to Bridget Brennan (MO), who writes: "Was interviewed today for our St. Louis Review (Catholic paper in this area, with a wide circulation St. Louis is very Catholic). I was interviewed about the 12 Dating Traps and 10 Elements of a Successful Life Partner Quest. The interviewer did an excellent job, I thought. CONGRATS to Susie Sinclair (CN) who writes: "Your materials work!!! I have been a successful single for the last few months, doing my own things and bingo it happens! The man I envisioned has arrived into my life. Thanks for all your wisdom. Our coaches are certainly committed and talented! It is my honor to be part of this community that is making such a difference in the lives and relationships of others. Have a win you would like to share? Any graduates from your RCI coaching "find the love of their life and the life that they love?" Please pass it on and we'll celebrate it! HUMBLE MEANDERINGS Gosh, usually I use this space to write an article in response to the current practice needs, issues and questions of our coaches, and this month I'm out of breath just keeping up with their accomplishments! I am humbled and have nothing profound to offer this month, other than the following (humble!) suggestions: 1. Get a copy of our new "Introduction To Relationship Coaching For Singles" audiotape. Excellent and thorough treatment of the subject if I say so myself! (Hey, now THAT wasn't humble!) 2. Seriously, listen to the audio-podium recording of our Practice Development Conference Call last month at 212-461-2568. As you can see above, our coaches are putting these ideas to work and they are paying off! I know this isn't how coaches and therapists are used to functioning, but you can't argue with success! 3. PLAY LARGE! Our coaches are positioning themselves as THE relationship resource in their communities. Again, most of us (including me!) did not start out with this goal, but again, you can't argue with success! Stop thinking on the level of "how am I going to get my next client?" and start striving to reach and serve your entire community (geographic or virtual). 4. GET OUT OF THE BOX! And out of your office! Being a successful Relationship Coach means reaching the public in an effective manner, which requires creativity and stretching. 5. Start or join a Master Mind group. It is really hard to be successful alone, and you would be amazed at the creativity and energy a Master Mind group can give you! Stop going it alone and get some wind beneath your wings. 6. Collaborate; our coaches are discovering and creating wonderful alliances with churches, colleagues, singles groups, etc. Again, don't go it alone, and don't be tempted to see your colleagues as competition. There is strength and a far wider reach in cooperating to reach and serve our communities. 7. JOIN RelationshipCoachingInstitute! If you are reading this and want to help singles and couples have successful relationships, collaborating with us is simply the best way to go. You literally have nothing to lose and everything to gain. There are many reasons to hold back; inertia is powerful, and many professionals don't quite understand us because we are unique and unfamiliar. But if you want to be successful in your practice, we CAN help you and the cost is incredibly small for what we offer. If you are reading this and experiencing your own inertia, or a bit confused about us (join the club!), please do yourself a favor and contact myself or Darlene Davis. Darlene's job is to explain RelationshipCoachingInstitute. Contact her at Info@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com. 10 DIRTY SECRETS OF HAPPINESSMy observation about our current culture is that we want to be happy, but don't know how.This problem has been exacerbated by the messages in movies, television, and other influential media, that promote a consumer- oriented, immediate gratification society. We seem to feel entitled to be able to buy and get what we want with little effort on our part. We have been conditioned that happiness comes from the outside, by having enough money, the car we want, the job we want, the partner we want. Then, when we get what we want, we find that we aren't happy! Our relationships are not working because of this externalized, entitlement mindset. If we aren't happy, it is our partner's fault and the relationship isn't working for us. I believe this is part of the reason for our divorce rate. Sometimes, our relationship coaching technology for singles, such as Vision, Requirements, Needs, etc, gets interpreted to mean that the road to happiness is to find the right partner who will bring what we want into our lives. Nothing can be further from the truth, which is easy to spot by reviewing our 12 Dating Traps and our 10 Principles of Conscious Dating. The dirty secrets of happiness are quite contrary to the messages found in the entertainment media, and I refer to them as "dirty" because many of us (consciously or unconsciously) want to believe the commercials' promises and don't want to look at the reality. Here are a few that spring to my mind: 1. If you want a partner, be a partner Many of us have a wonderful, romantic, Vision of the life partnership we want; the reality is that great relationships require a lot of self-work and effort on your part in the relationship. If you feel like you are putting more effort into the relationship than your partner, you're probably doing it right. The good news is that you CAN live your Vision, the challenge is that the effort must come from YOU. 2. The journey is the destination We tend to focus on goals and results, which works well in many areas of our life, but not so well in our relationships. Chances are, you will always be striving toward the relationship you really want, and will never "arrive". The destination of Life is Death, the awareness of which pushes us to be present in the moment, because we realize that is all we really have. Similarly, our journey with our partner is all we really have. Learning to be present with and appreciate the journey is the path to happiness. 3. The journey is always longer and harder than expected We are an impatient culture that wants immediate results. While some of us have the work ethic and self-discipline for the sustained effort necessary to be successful, few of us are happy doing so. We look around and everyone else seems to get what they want so easily, and we wonder why it has to be so hard for us. Truly accepting this principle is a necessary step toward happiness. 4. Have goals while letting go of outcomes While having goals and wanting results is natural, letting go of outcomes seems to be a necessary ingredient to happiness. This means being able to "go with the flow", to be flexible and creative, to view mistakes and failures as opportunities. Success and happiness comes from a yin/yang balance of ambition and acceptance, assertion and tolerance, firmness and flexibility, choice and fate, having goals and letting go of outcomes. 5. Grow up and take responsibility There is a wonderful book on this subject that I highly recommend by Dr. Frank Pittman, "Grow Up! How Taking Responsibility Can Make You A Happy Adult." (St. Martin's Press, 1998), which does an excellent job of explaining how we have become a society of victims, narcissists, and adolescents, and what to do about it. He writes: "...happy grown-ups take responsibility. They take responsibility for their bodies, their characters, and their relationships. They own their lives and they own up to the choices they make. Finding the responsible thing to do is the lifelong quest for grown-ups. And it leads to real, grown-up happiness..." (page 278) 6. To be happy we must grow, to grow we must stretch Our human nature is to have an inner conflict between comfort and challenge, growth and inertia. Balancing these opposing forces within us is an on-going effort. When we lean too far towards comfort, we risk stagnation, complacency, inertia. Too much challenge can lead to stress and burn-out. Our culture overvalues comfort and undervalues effort. Many of our clients engage our coaching to get what they want, and resist stretching beyond their comfort level to get it. 7. To get it, you have to give it away This is a paradox that challenges the "Me" generation. We are much more motivated to "get" than to "give", which wreaks serious havoc in our relationships. When we focus on giving and let go of keeping score, we have a chance of finding happiness in our life and relationships. 8. What goes around comes around There is a consequence for your every choice and action. Of course we want our choices to be successful and get us what we want, and we resist acknowledging the possibility or reality of undesired outcomes. While this may seem simple and obvious, the spread of AIDS, multiple divorces, unwanted children, etc, are caused by people that are going after what they want and ignoring future consequences. 9. The Truth will set you free Most of us struggle with a dissonance between what we want and what we have, the way things "should" be with the way things are, what we WANT to believe and the reality. When we can let go of our fears and ego enough to accept the truth about ourselves, Life, relationships, etc, we open the door to the possibility of happiness. 10. Our relationships are our mirrors The definition of intimacy that I like is "Into Me I See". This can be quite challenging and uncomfortable, as we will experience the parts of ourselves that we don't like (our "shadows") as well as what we want to see. Happiness in a relationship means learning to use the relationship to learn and grow, which means taking full responsibility and even embracing our shadows when they get reflected to us. The hard part of our jobs as coaches is to support our clients to accept these dirty (undesired, uncomfortable, challenging) secrets as the path to happiness. The good news is that by engaging your services they are showing the necessary motivation, all you have to do is overcome the influence of our mainstream culture! *I invite you to share your announcements, wins, coaching or practice tips with the rest of us. Be visible! Let's connect! Send them to me at . *I invite you to share this newsletter with a colleague. There is a tremendous need for our services and we need to work together. Relationship Coaching is in its infancy and we must collaborate to build our market niche and position as a resource of wide appeal for anyone who wants a successful relationship. *I invite you to listen to the following introductory recordings FREE (except for long distance charges) 24 hours a day at your convenience: -Introduction to Relationship Coaching for Singles: call 212-461-2567 -Finding The Love Of Your Life AND The Life That You Love: call 212-461-2549 *I invite you to get the support you need to be successful in your practice. We are available for information, training, ideas, mentor coaching, etc. *If you are a coach or therapist who received this from a colleague, I invite you to contact me for information on becoming a RelationshipCoachingInstitute Relationship Coach, or visit our web site. Ask about getting a free copy of our introductory audiotape, and about our free teleclasses
Best regards, David Steele, MA, LMFT
The purpose of this newsletter is to connect, support each other, inform, and build a strong community of coaches dedicated to helping people find fulfillment in their lives and relationships. This monthly newsletter is written for the benefit of RelationshipCoachingInstitute Relationship Coaches, and is available to interested others. Feel free to share this with a colleague. Your submissions and feedback are welcome! Our Mission: To provide the tools, information and support to help singles find the love of their life and the life that they love, and to help couples co-create fulfilling and lasting Life Partnerships. Copyright notice: This newsletter is copyrighted and all rights are reserved. Feel free to share with others as long as our contact information and authorship is included. To subscribe or unsubscribe to this newsletter simply send an e-mail to CoachingNews@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com and put "subscribe" or "unsubscribe" on the subject line. |
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